The Thoughts and Whims of Ms. Cat

The Side Effects of Prolonged Exposure To Some People

2011-08-19T14:01:00.003-04:00

Conversing with my brother Robert always brings some great thoughts and perspective in me. I love him dearly. His understanding of my feelings at times is wonderful because we have endured pretty much the same childhood and early life lessons.

Our chat ended off with this particular thought, we said it two ways:

I said: "Just as some medicines have things in them that can cause negative side effects or fatality. Some people, although they may be a blessing to you at the time, come with things you need to remedy after their interaction with you.”

Robert said in response: “Just like some medicines are great for the time and situation they were prescribed for, to continue to gravitate to those medicines can have adverse effects. That situation is over. Leave the meds behind and move on.”

We were not talking about medication but about prolonged interaction with some family members...well people in general.

While we need and love people, *Starts singing...i need you....you need me.....we're all a part of God's body*, we also need to sometimes limit interaction and access to ourselves and our children because of the adverse effects the interaction can cause.

If interaction with anyone, family or friend, produces disobedience or defiance in your children you need to check it. People try to make some things / statements harmless but in the end it doesn’t matter what its about…defiance is defiance and without obedience to those who have charge over you, you’ll NEVER learn the lessons you need to live.

If interaction with anyone produces a depressed feeling in you, you need to limit or eliminate it.

If interaction with anyone makes you feel defeated it doesn’t matter who they are you need to correct the interaction, limit it or eliminate it.

In my opinion, it is as simple as that. I've had to learn the art of loving people from afar. I am SURE that some of my loved ones may have had to do that with me a time or two in my retardation days.

I will say, that my past will not dictate my future or the future of my children.

I want to end this with a quick shout out to my Honey Michael. Thank you so much for your help with critical thinking. I thank God for your place in my life and the lives of my babies.

Princess is turning 15

2010-03-15T11:55:00.010-04:00

Princess is turning 15

My babygirl turns 15 tomorrow. How could she be 15 already? My baby girl, my Princess, my flowerchild, my supermodel is 15. I feel like I just had her. I still remember when she was born she looked like a little doll, so petite with such beautiful skin.

She was the baby that was the survivor, the fighter. Just born and almost instantly suffered from Meconium Aspiration Syndrome she almost took her last breath before she was even 5 minutes old. This is what happens when before, during, or after labor and delivery a newborn inhales (or aspirates) a mixture of meconium and amniotic fluid. She turned blue. My sister was in the delivery room with me. I had a C-Section so I couldn’t see anything past the blue curtain. Sissie’s a nurse so she knew what was going on but she hid her facial expression from me pretty well (She had on sunglasses in the operating room…LOL) Princess could not breathe and in addition to that she had a heart murmur which was caused by a valve in her heart not closing after birth, otherwise known as PDA. It didn’t close until she was about 3 years old. I stayed in the hospital 5 days but she stayed 10. I remember looking at her, she was so tiny in that little clear box with all those tubes coming in and out of her. Her hands and feet were so wrinkled and she looked so helpless. By the 4th day the nurse told me she was a trooper. The doctors took her off of the respirator and she was eating and gaining weight already. With Paige blood in her, she had no other choice but to push. (-:

My Princess…has always liked anything pink, she has always liked shoes, has always liked to giggle and has always been a girly girl, rough but girly. By 2 she was in trouble every 5 minutes but didn’t seem to care about staying away from the heat of the battle like my oldest 2 did. She would just take the L, if she had to. Princess kind of had her own world and her own language…lol Close family members knew Princess-Speak. My oldest two would often have to translate for her. Irritatingly saying "She said....." Like, duh. Can't you understand? LOL This girl was pure comedy mixed with lunacy and many days ended with me sitting and thinking about her, just shaking my head.

I am so proud of the young lady I have. I gave birth to a beautiful, hilarious, smart, adventurous, and unique individual. I'm grateful to God for the growth and maturity Princess has shown in the last year. She takes pride in her schoolwork now, she takes pride in her discipline. She desires to be more and better. She is such a beautiful girl with so much potential. She can be anything she decides to be. Through prayer and all the help from so many blood and non-blood related people in our family she’s finally getting it. She knows that she can be and do whatever she commits to doing. One thing I know it that she can be 45 years with her own children but she will always be her Mommy’s Princess.

Shelley's 16th Birthday

2009-09-17T14:46:00.004-04:00

Coming up on the end of my Shellerina's 16th birthday. I'm thanking God for the blessing He formed in my belly all those years ago. I'm enjoying watching such a beautiful, smart, funny, wise young lady grow and bloom. I'm honored to have been given such a duty as to raise and cultivate such an important person.

My baby wants to be the one who helps with children's mental stability (and their parents). That's a huge duty because we know that if only some adults would have been helped with their issues as children then the root of some of their problems would be dug up enough to let them be productive citizens. My future Clinical Child Psychologist. “Yes, my daughter is a doctor.” will be so wonderful for me to say. Just fabulous. (-:

I still remember that perfectly round face and big eyes. You were such a pretty baby. The chunkiest of chunkies....lol No wrists, no knees, no elbows, just creases and dimples. You were such an old lady, so well spoken. You spoke in full clear comprehensible sentences at 1 1/2 years old. You were writing your name, you knew all your colors and shapes and alphabet at 3 years old. You were reading books at 4 years old. You were so small but so smart. I've always been very proud of you. I am very proud of who I see you becoming.

It's been my mission as a mom to know that I've produced children that will grow to be so much better than I am. Both naturally and spiritually. I want you guys to do so much more than I ever could or would do. I want you to be so much more than I have ever been. Stronger, more talented, smarter, more poised, well versed, more cultured. Me to the 10th power. (-: I don't expect perfection but I do expect greatness.

I look forward to seeing the woman that you’ll become because I'm enjoying watching the steps in the progress. I love you ShelleyBelle. Happy Birthday. Thank you for helping me be a great mom.

for Quashwn - on your 18th birthday

2009-07-28T17:23:00.002-04:00

Quashwn

on your 18th birthday

July 29, 2009

By Your Mom

As I sit back and think about how big this day is I have so many thoughts.

This is a key birthday on your path to manhood, a key date on your road to greatness. I feel so much pride in who you’re becoming.

I can still remember the day you made me a mommy. 52 hours of labor. They didn’t want to give a minor a C-Section so I endured the contractions with the family coming in shifts until you decided you couldn’t be in there any longer. Your heart rate dropped and Dr. Gandhi said, “Okay let’s get him out of there.”

Your life I held in my hands and at a mere 17 years old and I still didn’t minimize the importance. You fully and completely relied on me for every single thing you could ever need. All your nourishment, even while you grew inside of me. I ate what you needed to sustain your life. I rested to restore myself to carry you for 9 months +2 weeks.

God entrusted your very existence to me. Wow!

God placed and cultivated the little, beautiful, dimpled, mustached, happy, gift in my belly and I named him Quashwn. I said, “I’m going to make the name up because I want my baby to be unique, I want my baby to be different.” You are.

You are also

Leader

Strong

Loving

Kind

Funny

Persistent

Perceptive

Intelligent

The greatest 18 year old young man there is

I love you so much. I’m trying not to punk up and cry. I am proud of who you are and who you are becoming. God has a great work for you to do and I am so glad he let me play a part in it.

~ Yo Mama ~

Catherine E. Paige

I Trust You

2009-05-16T19:57:00.001-04:00

I Trust You

Lord...Your will is so high, so wide, so vast and so broad that my mind can’t wrap around it.

Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your ways are higher than mine.

When I sit and think of all I’ve been through, I know that you were there and have been here all along.

You guide and shepherd me in the direction I’m afraid to go in and You reassure me that You are there.

You make me step up to higher standards and tell me You’re there to guide.

You wait for me to call You and I call on others in error but You are still there when I realize.

You’re the One who loved me first.
You’re the One who is always there.
You have never left me nor forsaken me. Ever.
You are ever loving, ever faithful, ever providing and all knowing, I am grateful.

I Trust You Lord.

Today Is My Birthday (You may be sick of hearing about it...lol)

2009-04-28T11:11:00.002-04:00

Today is my actual birthday. I’ve already been writing and sharing, but this is the actual bornday. This is one of my happiest birthdays ever, my 35th. Doing more thinking than usual so I figured I’d share. Again…lol

Last night I was pushing out some ideas in Photoshop at about 12:30a, building on one of my dreams and feeling quite great about it. I realized hey, it’s my birthday. I smiled and said thank You Lord my birthday came while I was working a gift You gave me. That made me feel wonderful. After that I got a text from my crazy brother that said Happy Birthday Lil Old Lady. Made me giggle. I love my family. Got in the bed about 1:30a, which is pretty normal for me.

When I opened my eyes this morning I smiled and said thank You Lord for another year and then I started mapping out my day. Laying there I was thinking about what I want to wear...something complimentary and of course purple. The texts and phone calls from my loved ones started. I’m just grinning and grinning. I love LOVE. Got dressed, put a lil sparkle on my eyes, no foundation, put on my wedges. I looked in the mirror and said…so this is what 35 looks like? My lawd, that's goot! I FEEL MARVELOUS. Walked out the door with my sanctified swaggah on 100+, feeling like I could stop traffic. Got in the car and James Fortune & FIYA was singing “I owe all my worship to You. Lord, I don’t deserve all the things that You do.” And my mind went right there. Cut the radio off and just started praising Him.

Lord I thank You for 35 years of life. You wake me up every single day without fail and without getting tired of doing it. 35 years of Your mercy and grace. 35 years of You giving me good health, strength and healing. 35 years of You never leaving me or forsaking me. I am so grateful. 35 years of You waiting for me to get it right. Your mercy is everlasting. You didn’t get tired of waiting for me to love You the way You created me to. I am just so grateful. You've loved me every single solitary day of my life, unconditionally, even when I didn't love myself so much. I am humbled by Your love.

Happy Birthday to me because of Your love, grace and mercy.

My Birthday Reflections - 2009

2009-04-26T19:03:00.002-04:00

My Birthday Reflections - 2009

On Tuesday I will be the Big 35. Three and one half decades. I’m trying to figure out why so many women dreaded getting to this age. Is this what middle age feels like??? Or is middle age 40? Whatever it is I’m proud of my age. I feel great. I look pretty good, trying to take better care of my bawdee (body said dramatically), eating better, majorly blessed. I was thinking, as usual, about this thing called life and all it’s many moving pieces.

Thinking about the stories my mom told me about when I was born. During pregnancy she fell. Off to Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital – Camden NJ. She was about 6 ½ months pregnant with me, I decided I wanted out so I made my first appearance. The doctor told her I probably would not make it through the night. I weighed around 4 pounds. I had jaundice, a liver that was too small and many other medical issues. Medical technology was not what it is now. My mom said that the doctor stayed with me all night and she stayed up praying. I was a survivor then and I still am. God's hand was on me.

35 years later…I gave birth to 4 strong healthy children-by cesarean section at that, lived through many trials and hardships, missed meals, lived on food stamps and welfare, served my country, had many many jobs, lost everything in a flood, lived through domestic abuse, and had many metamorphoses. I AM A SURVIVOR, an over-comer, a conqueror; I have continued to exist in spite of the many adversities that have come in my life.

It seems I have had to fight to live ever since my first breath. Nothing has been given to me easily. I’ve been working since I was 14, a mother since I was 17 and it’s been a serious struggle but I finally got it now. After years of trying to succeed through people and things I know that the only success that I’ll have is through the hands of God. I thought it would be the people I connect to or the things I accumulate or income that would prosper me. These are vehicles but God is the source.

Now at 35 I have many friends and a wonderful family. My kids are the funniest, smartest, greatest children in the world. Even though I have so many people around me, I feel like I’m in an isolation phase. It’s not a bad phase. I know it’s preparation and fine tuning. I talk to God more now than before. I know it’s only temporary. I know it’s making me.

So many thoughts I don’t want to get jumbled or rambled. It’s just me admiring my emotional scenery…lol I am at peace. I want to move forward. I know I am destined to succeed. I am a queen, the beloved child of the King. I have generations coming after me that will need the things that I birth out, the strength I instill, the things I will produce.

I am so excited about what God has for me next, in this 35th year because I have grown from faith to trust. I trust Him and life is moving into the realm of where He created me to be. It’s on me and I’m on it....Happy Birthday To Me.

I don’t want to see the faces

2009-02-06T15:51:00.001-05:00

I don’t want to see the faces.
That’s kind of a weird way to say it but
I don't want to see people for the superficial.

I come across the paths of different people,
Different walks of life, different shapes and sizes.
Diverse backgrounds, income levels and cultures
But I don’t want to see the faces.

What I mean by that is I want to get to the heart of it all.
It has nothing to do with my immediate desires or wants.
It has nothing to do with surface and immediate flesh responses.
I don’t want to deal with people in relation to any of that.

People deal with others because of so many different reasons
Who they are…
How they met…
What they can offer them…
What they have…
Who they are in a social circle with…
How much money they make…

I don’t want to see the faces.
I want to see people by things much deeper
This means I won’t deal with you differently, regardless of what’s going on
This means I’ll try and cut through to the marrow

Do you see ME?
I try and do good even though I know I fall short sometimes
Do you see me?
Not my face, my height, where I work, what I do
Even though these are all parts of me…Do you really see me?

I’m hiding, from the darts in the eyes
I’m hiding, from the words that are like arrows
I’m hiding, in the comfort of Jesus.
I’m hiding so that only people with the eyes of Christ can really see me

I don’t want to see the faces I want to see the heart.

Ms. Cat – 02/06/2009

I am queen

2009-02-02T13:06:00.003-05:00

I am a queen. Not with conceit or a puffed up perception of myself. Not with a haughty ignorance.

My queendom is through birthright, bloodline and experience. I am a queen with humbleness of heart and humility under God’s rule alongside His people. I bow before Him.

Each of us has our own province to rule over.

I am a daughter of the The King of kings. I was born once and then again with the blood of the Lamb of God running through my veins. I am an heir to the throne. God’s Omnipotence is in me.

I am a daughter of a queen. She birthed and raised 5 strong, smart, healthy kings and queens, sometimes alone. She raised us to stay in the Kingdom of God and sing for Him with all of our hearts. She is diligent, devoted, comical and the wife of a king.

I am the daughter of a king. I watch my earthly father work and pray in the Kingdom of God. He’s doing what The King created him to do. He is a king that loves his family and is strong in faith and rules his kingdom well.

I have given birth to 2 kings and 2 queens. They were created and are being groomed to rule their dominion with excellence and integrity. They are being cultivated to serve in the Kingdom of God with their whole hearts. Their worth is priceless and their talent, immeasurable.

I was created to be the wife of a king. I was created to be the helpmate, the lover, the encourager, the sweet word sayer, the builder, the nourisher, the nurturer, the prayer connection, the strength replenisher, the Godly beautiful lady standing at the side of her king.

I am queen in the way that I treat the people around me. Every single person I deal with is important. They have their own domain to rule over. Each person we come across has their own issues. Other people in the Kingdom have the same bloodline as I do. If we are all a part of one body, how can I diminish their worth without reducing my own? If we know who we are and Who’s we are then we would be less likely to let others drop our standards or be able to discount how we see ourselves.

In talking to some people I realize that folks have a problem with people having ‘too much confidence’ or call people conceited, simply for acknowledging the wonderfulness they see in themselves. This includes me hearing someone call a 3 year old conceited for admiring himself and how he looked in his suit. If we don’t see the richness in ourselves from not only being born of such an awesome and mighty King but also in recognizing our own potential and self-worth, then no one will see it.

I know who I am. I am queen.

By Ms. Cat - 02/02/2009

My Heart Put Me On The Right Track

2009-01-26T22:57:00.000-05:00

My Heart Put Me On The Right Track

Just sitting and reflecting, like I always do.

While doing some heart searching I come to realize the reality of where I am right now. My main concern and focus is to just get more of God. To get closer to God. To seek His face. To seek His will for me.

Anything I accomplish is additional blessing. The core and nucleus of my very being is to seek God, His Kingdom, His will, His wisdom, His beauty, His joy.

I was thinking about how some things that mattered so much to me just a few months ago don’t even give me pause right now. I’m not even entertaining some things like I used to. I just want more of Jesus. And I feel so much peace, I feel so much love. I am centered. I am blessed.

My heart is not turned toward running and trying to obtain that house, that car, that man, that money. My heart’s desire is to be pleasing to God. Of course I’m grinding as always, I’m working, constantly thinking, looking for more outlets, writing down more ideas, researching more, but when I think about everything I know I see that God is the driving force, the strength, the core, the focus.

Matthew 6:33 says “…seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

It just amazes me that my heart put me on the right track.

Ms. Cat - 01/26/2009

Inaugural 2009 - This Is a Stamp In History, For Our Future.

2009-01-20T14:02:00.003-05:00

Trying to find the words to express this elation. (-:

I am optimistic. I am watching, listening, hearing, and feeling this event.
My nerves are on edge. My heart is overwhelmed.
I’m floating on cloud 9. I am filled with pride, joy and hope.
I know the potency of this moment in history, for the future.
I feel the importance of this moment for me, my children, my people, everyone.

Thinking of the prejudice I’ve endured, the ‘down the nose’ looks, the stereotypical interaction I’ve dealt with.
Thinking about the mistreatment I’ve weathered, simply because of my skin.
Thinking of what people have gone through, for our rights, for our equality.
Thinking of the powerful words of Dr. King and what he went through.
Thinking of Emmet Till, slavery, segregation, corporate america’s tilted scale.

Watching a man of integrity, gracefully take on the enormous weight to lead an entire country.
Watching how he is with his family, loving his beautiful wife, fathering his children.
Watching him serve as he leads the world.
Watching a nation’s flow and perception change.

Praying for protection for a man that has sparked hope in the eyes of many.
Praying for his wisdom.
Praying for hearts to be softened and minds to be changed.
Praying for God’s anointing to be on our President, Barack Obama.

Pure Inspiration. This is a stamp in history, for our future.

Yes we can be what we want to be. YES!

I often encourage my kids. I tell them that they can be whatever they put their minds to being. I tell them that there is no such thing as impossibility. I told my baby boy the other night that I think he is great like Barack Obama and he was so impressed and proud. He can relate to Barack. Now he can connect to the being able to be the President.

Oddly enough…no one’s been coming to my desk today. (-:

Cat's 2008 Closure

2008-12-24T02:52:00.000-05:00

I’m here again, emotionally. Doing some self-evaluation as the year is ending. I am thinking not only of 2008 but of 2004 – 2008.

I refer to certain years in my life as pivotal as well as some specific occurrences but so that I won’t start rambling or going on a tangent, I’ll stick to the pivotal-ness of 2004 - 2008. (-:

As I look at what has transpired these past four years, I see that emotionally I’ve gone through multiple metamorphoses. A few of them were so subtle and smooth that if I hadn’t looked at everything I may have missed them. A couple of them were tumultuous enough to make me change my whole perspective for a while, if not permanently. Thank God they weren’t all permanent changes.

Bishop said that “Experience forms perception” and I have found that to be so very true, time and time again. My experience formulated my perception of myself and others. Not all good changes but definitely not all bad. My painful experiences tried to shape my perception of everything, kind of like looking through warped eye glasses. That’s not acceptable. It’s jacked up and alters how you deal with people. Like taking levels of purity out of your heart.

My perception on how I’ve handled the past four years seems to be all over the place. I have a very torn reflection on how I’ve dealt with everything. I can’t share it all but I can give a lil bit.

Newly single in 2004 I found myself in a place where I never imagined I’d be when I walked down that aisle. My heart was split between being blessed to have been able to survive such a horrible ordeal, being apprehensive about single-life and not only that but a single parenting, and harboring a lulling bitterness. My heart was never designed to be that way. Very scattered, spread very thinly.

Long story short (shoot me a note if you want the long story long…lol) I had to get to the root of the bitterness and start cutting before I could grow. It was a lot like the pruning process. I looked up the definition of pruning and it read:

To cut off or remove dead or living parts or branches of a tree to improve shape or growth. Pruning is the process of removing certain above-ground elements from a tree; this process usually involves removal of diseased, non-productive, or otherwise
unwanted portions from the tree.

The reason this was so fitting was because we are to be like a tree planted by the water (but that’s not where I’m going right now, I’m trying to stay focused because the whole pruning topic is quite interesting). What rang loudly to me were the words diseased and non-productive.

What I realized is amazing but makes so much common sense that I feel ‘slow’ for missing it. Some of the things I did to try and stop or ease the pain of what I had gone through actually perpetuated the pain and delayed my healing. Even some of the stuff that was seemingly minor was causing hindrances to my growth. Things I ‘dressed up’ as acceptable. I know for a fact that if you put lipstick and cocktail dress on a chimpanzee it doesn’t make it a beauty queen.

So standing here (well not really, I’m kind of propped up on my bed but that’s not the point) looking back on 2008 – 2004 I want to be sure to effectively prune off those things that would stop me from being who God wants me to be in 2009.

In my year closing self assessment I found that I needed to forgive not only those that have hurt me but most of all MYSELF. I was stopping myself from moving forward by not forgiving myself for my own mistakes. WOW. So busy forgiving others I didn’t forgive myself (Bishop also preached on this).

My self unforgiveness was so deep, but fine that I almost missed it. I would have hindered myself another year. Uhn uhn, unacceptable. I really almost missed it. That slight unforgiveness caused me to subliminally short change myself. That is not God’s will. It also made me ultra sensitive. I can’t be an emotionally driven person in this walk, my emotions would have me all over the place. Kind of like I was in 2008 – 2004, all over the place. But no more…

I am closing this 2008 chapter starting now. It doesn’t have to be on December 31st. I’m doing it now. It is 2009…the Year of Manifestation.

Periodic Emotional Housekeeping

2008-09-30T23:19:00.000-04:00

My Periodic Emotional Housekeeping

Emotional housekeeping, to me, is very different from spiritual upkeep. I do emotional and social maintenance less frequently than spiritual, although sometimes the spiritual prompts the others.

Sometimes situations can force the upkeep cycle. I usually do one when someone hurts my feelings, when I am feeling extra sensitive or when something occurs that makes me push someone out of my inner circle (which I am very good for). One thing I do know is that we are directly and spiritually connected to those we choose to have close to us. I am not judgmental but I have to be selective because if I am open to you, more than likely my children are exposed to you in some way. Exposure equates to impact, in my opinion. I guess this is why I very seldom have a 'BFF' and I definitely don't date very long pointlessly...lol

Emotional housekeeping is very introspective. Reflectively, I think about the decisions I have made, the thoughts I have had, the things I have said, my interactions with my loved ones, the people I have met, and the feelings I have had.

Sometimes I feel some remorse for things I may have said or done. These things are not necessarily a sin but maybe I didn't say something at the right time or it just wasn't expedient.

I think about my past and what transpired to get me where I am. I reflect on the people that I may have hurt or have hurt me. I think about my actions as a parent, nuturer and sole provider and even my deeds as a family member. Sometimes the thinking will prompt me to say something to someone, apologize to someone, hug someone, make a call or send a text. At any rate, it is always progress in my heart and mind.

At this point I am evaluating the present.

I am looking at things I may be doing that have no real benefit. Even things that are monetarily beneficial are not always emotionally advantageous. The club promoting was one. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm celibate and although I know I have sparkling personality (chuckle), the environment causes conflict between my flesh (it is a whole mess already) and my spirit man. I can use those social butterfly skills in ways that are better suited to where I want to go in this life.

I feel I am almost ready for a relationship so I need to move slow and watch people and most of all watch myself and my decisions. Anyone I connect to in that way may ultimately impact the lives of my offspring. Being divorced makes that more than clear and oh so very real to me. It's not fun.

I'm looking at who I am connected to. I am looking at why I am cool with some people and not others. I am looking at who I may have been interested in romantically that didn't work out. I am also looking at the friends I may have cut off. I am trying to figure out if I may have been too hasty or not hasty enough with my ties lol There's always a thin line.

One huge thing I have noticed about myself is that I have an uncanny knack for trying to ascertain the reasons behind someone's character traits and habits. People usually are who they are because of things that have happened to them. Just like experience formulates perception, it can also formulate habits and personality attributions. I know that my marriage forced that gift to come forth and shine brightly. For that I am grateful, I will put it to good use.

This gift of sensitivity and insight has its pros and cons. Sometimes it makes me way too empathetic and it keeps me connected to people long after the ties should have been laid to rest. I stayed in my marriage for too long because of it. I constantly tried to rationalize why this man was yelling and angry. I always thought about his childhood and had sympathy on him instead of thinking about my own emotional preservation. I was molested as a child, I too was neglected, I worked through layers and layers of extreme low self-esteem, where was my empathy, who understood me? The church mothers would tell me, you find your comfort in Jesus, which is the only truth they said. They would tell me being a minister's wife is a hard job, it's your duty to build up your husband. Sometimes it's selfless. It's all a part of being married. Balderdash and bull spit. Who was there for me? It sure wasn't him.

When I found all I had was Jesus, I found He was all I needed.

My current deep friendships are few. I feel heart connections with some people and those are absolutely undeniable. There are just some automatic bonds that are hard to articulate. I don't always like those because I don't readily understand them. Actually sometimes they piss me off because they make it more difficult to cut people off like I like to do.

It bewilders me how a lot of people really don't know how to interact with a person that doesn't play games. I think people are so programmed to deal with people with ulterior motives and deceptive/malicious hearts that they really don't know how to take someone that seeks to be genuine, understood clearly, and sincere, not wanting anything but their friendship. Even in church. This bothers me though. It makes it extra hard for me to be understood. I usually have to go through crappy extremes in gaining understanding. People don't give the benefit of the doubt nowadays.

In some friendships I know I am taken for granted. Unfortunately the connections cause me to pray for people even though I don't really want to. My mind tells me, "They ain't steadin' you. Why you wasting time praying for people that ain't worried bout you? Why you sendin text messages to someone that ain't replyin. Forgit dem." Yes, I speak slang and broken English to myself LOL Then I always end up praying anyhow, reaching out to them or sending an encouraging email. I do believe every one of my prayers are heard and answered, whether I see it firsthand or not. If they are really a friend, they respond with thanks or a little frustration at my persistence but gratefulness in me not dismissing them. Stuff like that. I end up smiling.

My head is starting to hurt now though....too much thinking.

Is It Only That You Need To Change Your Perspective?

2008-09-30T23:15:00.000-04:00

Is It Only That You Need To Change Your Perspective?

Sometimes we go through monumental things in our lives and we count them as total losses because we don't look at the broader view.

I am blessed to be able to look at the brighter side of things and being able to get something out of SOME uncomfortable situations. That is a blessing and a curse often because my first response would be to be pityful, but that's just my punk behind...lol

I was chatting with a friend of mines about our US Military experiences (some of y'all know I went straight from High School to Navy Boot Camp) My retrospect was one of a positive nature. His is one of total loss.

My view is positive, not because it was a 'good' experience but because I learned from it and I gained some things from it. I endured a huge amount of prejudicy against me being a woman AND being black. A double whammy on a Navy Ship. I was almost court martialled for insubordination because the dude did not like the fact that I knew he was prejudiced. I got stories on that but that's not the point.

What I am saying is that in spite of the negative things, my view is positive because I gained from it. I gained discipline, I got a GI Bill and went to Culinary school, and I have the military on my resume which has gotten my foot in almost every corporate door I've applied to. That's my perspective.
Even though the experience wasn't comfortable or pleasant my choice was to change my perspective so that I may glean and gain from it instead of accepting it as a loss. Sometimes we just need to change our perspective because we cannot change the past.

Well Well Well

2008-09-30T23:10:00.000-04:00

Just a parking place for some of my thoughts and poems.

This should be fun.