Eating My Words

Eating my words... 

For the most part I stay away from all-inclusive terms. Frankly put, they annoy me. There are two statements that I have made multiple times that I have said with my whole chest. I have been dealing with these statements over the past few months. I realize now that I need to reposition both stances… because of loss. 

 1. Guilt is cowardice. 

 2. Closure is a hoax. 

Changed stance: “Facing and examining any guilt is brave.” Since the loss of my mom I’ve had to deal with the low grade guilt of woulda, shoulda, coulda. I didn’t realize it was happening at first because this all is very new to me. I found myself thinking about the meals I coulda taken over. Or the times I coulda been more ‘forceful’ in visiting her. I always waited for Robert because I knew that I would actually get in if he was here. The soreness and vulnerability of being left on the doorstep multiple times had me in a chokehold. Now I’m at a place where I know a few things… could I have done some things differently? Yes. Can I undo anything? No. Does the regret of things that you cannot change breed guilt? Yes. Is it okay? Yes. 

The times I referred to guilt as cowardice I was connecting it to confessions and people vomitting information that wouldn’t help the lives of the person they’re dumping it. Guilt confessions because they couldn’t bear the weight of what they did alone. This is different. I’ve never had to experience this kind of survivor’s guilt. Guilt that was causing me to try and find ways to overextend myself to my mom and she’s not here anymore. I don’t have to do that. Rest well Dear Momma. 

Changed stance: “Closure is not a hoax. Sometimes it’s all you have.” I realize I was saying it was a hoax mainly in reference to someone pleading to talk to a person giving them their ass to kiss. I was referring to breadcrumbing people. I was referring to people not articulating their intentions clearly and leaving folks with constant question marks. I think sometimes people used the act of closure as way to change the other person’s mind. I still don’t co-sign faux closure. 

Now I’m faced with the loss a friend that I cherished deeply. We would go months without talking and then just pick up like we never missed a beat. I read through our text messages, especially after his heart scare a few years ago I know that he knew that I loved him and vice versa. I kept wondering coulda, shoulda and would any of it have made a difference. Partial Superwoman syndrome. At this point closure is all I have. I have questions, unfinished plans, but I’ll close our chapter with a huge smile in my heart. There will always be a void because there was only one Brandon and he was absolutely nuts but my closure is in remembering him. From his first words to me that are still the craziest first statement I have ever heard, to knowing that he is really gone. I pray he is actually resting in peace because Lord knows he truly never rested here on earth…. Rest well HoneyBae. 

My statements were both all-inclusive which made them both incorrect. I’ve definitely changed my stance. I didn’t cancel out the places where they’re accurate but they’re definitively not all encompassing. I’ll be more careful and thoughtful about them going forward.

-Cat Paige

No Negativity Bonding

No negativity bonding or pity parties.  

Talk about change, progress, positivity and what you’re grateful for.  

Stop teaming up with other people while simultaneously feeding negativity.  

It’s all energy.  

Connect through goodness and forward movement.  Talk about helpful things and how to overcome trauma.  

How did you get over it?  Share tools.  Don’t feed that traumatic experience another second of your energy. Focus on the building not the rubble.  

-Cat Paige

Heart

This is just a quick post to get some thoughts out. 

Sometimes I feel like I am in a battle for my heart. It’s a weird way to put it but some days are just tougher than others. I live from my heart… Consciously, unapologetically. Every hug, every text, every call. I am MUSHY and I am okay with that. The struggle with living from the heart is trying to decide when to guard it and when to give it. Typically when something is on my heart to do I try not to hesitate. I realized years ago that while I can’t be on 100% pour out mode I also can’t close off. I had to learn wisdom with it. 

Sometimes I feel super weird like come on Cat… no one wants to hear / read this mushy sh!t but I normally do it anyway… with as much sincerity as I can. I hope it is received through the sincerity. 

Today I’m struggling with feeling too much. Maybe my brain booster vitamins are working. I see myself as being a big a$$ walking heart. Literally a heart with legs. My anchor to reality…. Even the heart has ribs for protection so guard a little. 

As I find my way through this crazy world of beautiful souls AND manipulators, altruists AND consumers I will continue to be a little more syrupy than necessary in the hopes that someone truly needs it. 

I know it’s a cold world out here and I’m striving to be some warmth. 

- Catherine Elizabeth

Articulation of Self

Articulation of Self

After listening to my girlfriend Alyssa’s podcast Saturday morning, it started an entirely new room of thought for me.  I ponder on my own legacy’s existence from time to time, especially dealing with my kids and grandsun, but before today I do not think that I ever dissected it.  The topic was “What Will Your Legacy Be?”  I think that my former perception of humility and its purpose stopped me from being purposeful about my own legacy.  The truth of the matter is whether you cultivate it or ignore it and let it grow like a weed, you will have a legacy.  I think the longevity of it depends a lot on whether you poured into it… That goes for both good and bad seeds.

Here are two of my favorite legacy quotes:

 It is interesting that I am turned-off by the quotes on legacy that discount leaving material things.  I think that is important as well.  Some people diminish the importance of that so much that go-fund-me fundraisers for funeral arrangements have become normal.  I believe they can both be important or at least placed in the same basket.

As I sat and listened to Alyssa and her sisterfriends, their transparency really made me introspective.  It made me dig deeper into the mindfulness of my own legacy.  Honestly, I have already identified the core thing that I want to be remembered for... my capacity to love.  I want the love that I give to permeate every interaction and leave a lingering effect.  Kind of a lofty thought but that is my mission. 

Once I followed along with their straightforward, meaningful, introspective words and comedy about the topic, I drove for a while in silence.  I wanted to think deeply about not only my legacy but also how I could make it more of a priority.  How can I ensure that my legacy will be manifested in the hearts of the people that I touch?  What steps could I take to make it unquestionable?  My first thoughts were actually about self-awareness and self-actualization. 

Oftentimes I go into what I call a “smell check” because people like me that are extreme optimists often struggle with delusion as well.  I thought about self-awareness for a bit.  As I stated, I have changed my perception of humility, not drastically but significantly enough.  I have been working actively on identifying the things I considered principles that were wrong.  I gained some of the ideologies through religiosity, some through influence and others from upbringing but my process of looking at each of them without those emotional pushes has been eye opening.  While in those thoughts the term Articulation of Self started ringing in my mind like a mental neon light.  😊

There are two definitions of articulation that I think fit.  This is how I want to exact my legacy.  

Articulation

1.     The formation of clear and distinct sounds in speech.   
The action of putting into words an idea or feeling of a specified type.

Expression.

2.    Clarity in the production of successive notes.

I know the second definition is in regards to music but it is so fitting.  I want my life and legacy to be and feel like music or poetry or dance. 

In the end, I realize that I cannot expect something to be unquestionable if I have not articulated it thoroughly.  I always feel like I might be a bit wordy but I despise being misunderstood. I have decided that I do not want my legacy misunderstood either.    So going forward, I want people to witness and feel the Articulation of Cat so that my legacy can be written on the hearts of anyone that I touch.  I do not want to leave my legacy in ambiguity or uncertainty.  I want to own the conveyance of what is being written about me.  I want my legacy of love to be known and unquestionable. 

Are you owning your legacy by being mindful of your articulation of self?

Reciprocity Thoughts

Reciprocity

Reciprocity is such a fluid thing.  I do not think it is a concept that we can completely sum up or give an unmoving margin to.  I believe that it is very situational and individualized to specific relationships and circumstances.  I wanted to share some of my thoughts and process on reciprocity.

• Reciprocity should be free flowing, organic, unrehearsed, not restricted, not compulsory.
  
  
• Our views and heart towards reciprocity should be selective.  We should use wisdom in our expectation of reciprocity.  There is an old adage that says “You cannot get blood from a turnip”.
  
  
• Do not let what you give be solely driven by what that person can give in return.  If your intention is to help, let that be the motive and what compels you. What you give can be fully self-propelled.  My preference is to isolate my motivation for giving to the simple fact that I wanted to give it.
• While eliminating it in all cases would be foolish, minimize your NEED for reciprocity in any situation that you can.
• Remember that eliminating the desire reciprocity in all cases would be a blatant disregard to you.  Shout out to all the empaths that share this problem.  If a person repeatedly disregards what you give them, in any way, stop giving it to them.  Do not deplete yourself to see that they do not deserve it.  They do not appreciate or value it.  
• Get in the habit of protecting yourself from consumers.  If you see that a person only takes or if you see that they are not at all mindful of how much they are taking… set the limits.  It is my experience that a consumer will not limit what they take from you.
  
• Do not overextend yourself or give what your life requires, i.e. bill money.  Give what you can, when you can, as freely and joyfully as you can.  When it is that simple, you are not hurt if the person cannot or will not give it back.
   
• Give and don’t remember – Receive and don’t forget
• Keep a clean pipeline to reduce bitterness.  Do not hold an account of what you think you deserve from people.  That hardens the heart.  Give because you want to… Call because you want to… Text because you want to.  Holding people to requirements could cause resentment.  Watch your expectations.
   
• Everyone’s system of reciprocity is different. 
   
• Do not hold on to unspoken requisites with your loved ones.  Be clear.

I hope this is helpful or interesting.  I am always looking for input and discussion!  Leave your comments any time.

-Catherine Elizabeth

Life Evaluation Mode....

Every year in the months leading up to my birthday I get into my annual full life assessment mode. 

• What did I accomplish this year?
• How is my health? 
• How do I look?  Am I looking plump in the midsection?
• How am I emotionally? What are my intentions like?
• Did I love on people right?

Sometimes it is at rapid fire speed, other times fleeting. Sometimes super annoying, other times epiphanic. 

One thing consistent is that I am very hard on myself.  I am my own worst critic.  Oftentimes I have to pull back and say to myself: Yo.... are you looking at that correctly? 

In my younger years I always envisioned my life at 45 very very different. For some reason I pictured a grayer haired, thicker, older acting, old feeling, married, baking, church mother style Grandmom.  Not much went exactly how I expected.  I feel younger and more refreshed and more content than I’ve ever felt, so much calmer and more grounded.

Soooooo much of what I thought made me who I was, has changed.  In the past few years I have been evolving in major ways.  My core thought processes, normalities, tolerances, perception of religion, home life, view of singleness, parenthood.... ALL DIFFERENT.  One thing I noticed is that the way that I view myself is different.  Not better or worse just very different.  I think some of my belief structures were blocking me from seeing myself correctly, realistically.  My view wasn’t distorted but more like having on sunglasses.  That’s a whole different cyber-conversation.

I am constantly analyzing stuff so when I get too hard on my shortcomings and failings, or too heavy in thought about what I should have done, it starts to make me depressed and uneasy. Sometimes it prompts me to apologize about something, change something but I almost always say to myself... are you looking at that right?

Some times we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts, needs, losses and failures that we miss the beauty of our lives.  We get so busy calculating what we don’t have that we forget that there are millions of people that would give anything to have our set of problems. 

So when I start complaining about my thick middle or dress size I switch to thinking about the fact that although this year has had difficulties, I haven’t missed any meals. How dare I not be grateful? When I start complaining about my job, I switch to being grateful that I’m not fighting to simply get minimum wage. 

Life will always have challenges and obstacles but I’m choosing to be grateful for those too.  I’m choosing happiness by changing my outlook on my life, good and bad. 

I want to be reflective and introspective.... correctly.  - Catherine Elizabeth 

Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

This declaration does not lack humility.  It is not vanity.  It is not puffed up.  It does not mean that I will not apologize for being wrong.  It does not mean that I will not constantly examine my points of view for errors.  Self-inventory and becoming unapologetic about being myself has been hard work.  I call it introspective self-discovery.   It’s weird though, the real work was in being comfortable with being me… no masks, owning my flaws, brokenness, beauty, strength, quirks, qualities, shortcomings and talents…. All mine to own. 

I remember being around 30 when I realized…. I am Cat and I am pretty darn awesome, flaws and all.  Sometimes I feel like some of my epiphanies are things that other people were taught in kindergarten…   I‘m 43 years old and I still have to go through these realizations, like periodically looking in the mirror.  I recognized that the timing of me doing a deeper, introspective, uncomfortable self-inventory came in response to dealing with very hurtful people.  I am sure I will explore that at some point as well but I do not want to talk about the spiritual vantage point in regards to the assassins sent to kill or impair my self awareness.  That could literally take all day and many turns.

This is just a declarative self-inventory post looking to encourage others to do the same.

I had to change the people around me.  I had to consciously choose to separate myself from people that constantly looked to pick at my wounds.  I had to spiritually and naturally divorce people that were constantly hurtfully critical, simply for the sake of doing it.  

Watch out for people that want you to be beholding to them for being someone who constantly calls out your flaws.  Watch out for people that want credit for your overall growth as a person.  There should be balance in your consistent interactions. Give and take... criticism and praise.  If people bring you all criticism, you have to examine why.  Be very leery of people that seem to only criticize you and do not seem introspective themselves.

In the end, I got worn-out from apologizing for who I am.  I got tired of feeling constantly self-conscious about my idiosyncrasies.  I got tired of explaining myself ten times over about my intentions or thought process only for it to be dissected and thrown up frivolously. I got tired of needing to shrink for them to shine.  To me this type of living is cowardice.  Any willingness to be less than myself is unacceptable.
Breaking away at heart depth was harder to do than I thought it would be.  Even when they were gone I had to stop rehearsing their words in my mind.  The problem with that was initially I thought these people meant me goodness and growth, so it seemed like constructive criticism.  You have to examine the spirit that criticism is done in.  I am not someone who wants to be apathetic about fixing myself or someone who wants to blame others, quite the opposite.  I cannot be SuperCat without actively becoming better, stronger, faster, wiser.

I am this big ball of happy lovey dovey mushy energy, grinning with my big pink gums.  Sometimes I am too syrupy.  Sometimes I laugh too loudly.  I am super silly when I am sleepy.  I am grumpy when I am hungry.  I cannot watch some things on TV or movies because I am moved too deeply.  I cry.  I sing a lot.  I giggle often.  I am philosophical and sometimes make deep statements, sometimes over analyzing basic things. I am hyper sensitive.  I am empathetic.  I am a Queen.  I will not apologize for any of this. – Catherine Elizabeth