For the most part I stay away from all-inclusive terms. Frankly put, they annoy me. There are two statements that I have made multiple times that I have said with my whole chest. I have been dealing with these statements over the past few months. I realize now that I need to reposition both stances… because of loss.
1. Guilt is cowardice.
2. Closure is a hoax.
Changed stance: “Facing and examining any guilt is brave.” Since the loss of my mom I’ve had to deal with the low grade guilt of woulda, shoulda, coulda. I didn’t realize it was happening at first because this all is very new to me. I found myself thinking about the meals I coulda taken over. Or the times I coulda been more ‘forceful’ in visiting her. I always waited for Robert because I knew that I would actually get in if he was here. The soreness and vulnerability of being left on the doorstep multiple times had me in a chokehold. Now I’m at a place where I know a few things… could I have done some things differently? Yes. Can I undo anything? No. Does the regret of things that you cannot change breed guilt? Yes. Is it okay? Yes.
The times I referred to guilt as cowardice I was connecting it to confessions and people vomitting information that wouldn’t help the lives of the person they’re dumping it. Guilt confessions because they couldn’t bear the weight of what they did alone. This is different. I’ve never had to experience this kind of survivor’s guilt. Guilt that was causing me to try and find ways to overextend myself to my mom and she’s not here anymore. I don’t have to do that. Rest well Dear Momma.
Changed stance: “Closure is not a hoax. Sometimes it’s all you have.” I realize I was saying it was a hoax mainly in reference to someone pleading to talk to a person giving them their ass to kiss. I was referring to breadcrumbing people. I was referring to people not articulating their intentions clearly and leaving folks with constant question marks. I think sometimes people used the act of closure as way to change the other person’s mind. I still don’t co-sign faux closure.
Now I’m faced with the loss a friend that I cherished deeply. We would go months without talking and then just pick up like we never missed a beat. I read through our text messages, especially after his heart scare a few years ago I know that he knew that I loved him and vice versa. I kept wondering coulda, shoulda and would any of it have made a difference. Partial Superwoman syndrome. At this point closure is all I have. I have questions, unfinished plans, but I’ll close our chapter with a huge smile in my heart. There will always be a void because there was only one Brandon and he was absolutely nuts but my closure is in remembering him. From his first words to me that are still the craziest first statement I have ever heard, to knowing that he is really gone. I pray he is actually resting in peace because Lord knows he truly never rested here on earth…. Rest well HoneyBae.
My statements were both all-inclusive which made them both incorrect. I’ve definitely changed my stance. I didn’t cancel out the places where they’re accurate but they’re definitively not all encompassing. I’ll be more careful and thoughtful about them going forward.
-Cat Paige
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