Stability

Stability

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." (James 1:8-KJV)

I hold stability and security at a high priority level in my heart. It is of utmost importance emotionally, in my career life, in my home life, with my children. Even now with transitioning in to being single again I still need stability and safety, maybe even more so. Am I perfect at it? Nope, not at all, but I look for ways to be better at it. I honestly love being consistent with people and being dealt with consistently, there is a comfort in it. I like giving clarity on how I feel and I like knowing what I am dealing with.

I have been looking at the roots and causes of why it is so important to me and it has been kind of cool examining it. I am a firm believer in evaluating and reevaluating normal thought processes. I realized a ton of things from my childhood that I had held as factual ended up being myths, urban legends and straight up lies so I tend to examine the basis of my beliefs, especially long-standing ones. I am looking at some of the driving dynamics from my childhood and current situations that give me fortification in my stance.

I used to wish I could be more inconsistent, I know that sounds crazy but I wanted to be more flippant with people. I used to want to mirror people’s dependability levels towards me. I finally got to a place where I evaluated the benefit of me being this way, without regard to whether someone returned the sentiment and I realized that it is a gift to be a dependable.  I love knowing that people can count on me and I am striving to be much better in this area, full speed ahead. 


To keep from hardening my heart when others don't respond I had to do one thing…. I had to eliminate my need for others to reciprocate. I did not decide to be a doormat or pushover; I know how to distance myself from people that do not value me. I decided to give simply because I want to and give what I would want in return, without conditions. I did not realize I was doing that. I would give love and attention as long as I felt it was coming back at an acceptable rate. I am not saying that if someone does not seem to want or desire my brand of friendship that I will not taper off, I’m not a stalker but it simply means I will give what is in my heart to give. Period, point blank.

Even though it often leaves me feeling lopsided because some people are not reciprocal, I do not see it as a flaw or something that I need to change. I know the strength in loyalty, focus, stability and commitment. I am honored to be anything like an anchor or stabilizing factor for anyone. Most of all, I realize that my reward for anything that I do with a clean heart is not in the person returning the virtue but in God seeing my heart. God is my Rewarder.

-Catherine Elizabeth