Heart Be Still…
For me stillness is difficult
because my mind runs a mile a minute.
This is part of the reason why I don’t sleep like normal people do. When I sit still my mind starts racing, reminiscing,
analyzing and replaying EVERYTHING.
Sometimes I attribute it to loneliness but the fact of the matter is I
have been sleeping alone for many years now.
I know it is much more than that.
At night, in the quietness, when the television is off and I am not
reading or re-reading texts (the best texts I read 3-4 times)... when I am not reading
email, not on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest or Tumblr I am usually
searching my heart and really deeply thinking.
Undistracted. Reviewing life sometimes helps me unravel deeply rooted principles that I need to either toss or
fortify.
The mental race begins… What
could I have done differently? Should I
have done this? Should I have said
that? Why didn’t I try harder? Should I bring that up now? Did I hurt their feelings? Why do I feel like
that towards so and so? On and on and on
and on. *like Erykah Badu*
I would think everyone struggles
with this sometimes. When this happens
it is not normally regret-laden but just a reconciling of my heart and
mind. I believe this is a part of
self-awareness. When I know that I need
to get to the point of stillness I try to push myself through the loudness of
my thoughts. I want to break this heart
process into 4 parts…
Retrospective, Introspective,
Stillness, Perspective
- Retrospective – Defined as “looking back on, contemplating or directed at the past.” This gets intimidating sometimes because even though hind sight can be 20/20 remembrance can also be a stretched or yeasted version of the truth. We are all human. I have some very vivid memories going back as far as pre-kindergarten but they are usually driven by my own idiosyncratic behaviors. During this stage I try to remember what actually happened. I try to take my own personal spin and flavor out. I try to look at situations in a more neutral, unemotional way. This point helps me try to see things from other people’s points of view.
- Introspective – Defined as “the act of observing or examining one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.” This one tends to be difficult. It is when I do a bare bones, naked, undelusional, untainted, deep, critical assessment of my own thoughts, motives, desires…. my heart. This is when I rebuke myself for dumb choices, when I cry over stupid decisions. I try to stay at this point without randomly jumping all over the place, no mental domino effect. I try to recall things and not pollute it with thoughts or blame on others or on any outside driving forces. Just me. Yes, that person’s actions may have changed my trajectory but this part is for me to look at my own heart, my response network, my intentions. Raw.
- Stillness – I feel this is the most important part. Be still. Calm your heart. Calm your mind. Breathe. Stop thinking. Let everything steep and prep you for healing. Sidebar: Stillness is the part of prayer for so many years I skipped. I was so focused on knowing and studying the process of prayer, I didn’t want to get it wrong. Are the proper steps to ask for forgiveness, worship, thank God, then make my requests or does thankfulness come before worship? Am I expressing this eloquently enough? Did I worship long enough? I never got to the part where I shut up and listen for the answer. I am away from the ritualistic Pomp and Circumstance altogether now but I recognize the importance of the stillness. For me it is necessary and tough because my thoughts are so very loud.
- Perspective – Defined as “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.” One of the most life changing things David G. Evans has ever said to me is “Experience forms perception.” Three words that not only helped me adjust my outlook but it helped my heart posture towards my recollections on life. I realized our experience is what it is, we typically cannot change or avoid some experiences but it is when we give it the power to FORM how we see things in life that is the impact. We need to glean everything we possibly can from the experiences of this life, but how we let things change our general perspective is paramount. After the retrospect, introspect and stillness ultimately I have to decide how everything I processed is going to affect my mental filters. How am I going to let these experiences change how I view life itself? I believe this is the crossroad point that determines whether a person becomes bitter or better after negative experiences.
-Catherine Elizabeth
3 comments:
MY GOD!!!!
As I read this I could hear "speak to my heart Holy Spirit" playing in my head. Whew! That was great...it actually helped me understand some things.
I, myself, am a deep thinker. My mind never stops running, replaying events. "Peace be still" is my mantra so you're speaking directly to my heart and mind.
Again this week, I say Thank You, my love. You have, again, hit the nail on the head. ❤️ Please don't stop writing. It's therapeutic for you and so many others.
I was intrigued and concerned in the beginning, as I have at times counseled those who have similar thought patterns but as I continued on it was clear that your process has made you a stronger person. It was clear that your process has helped you to both deepen your definition of self as well as broaden your scope for healing. I applaud you for the transparency, keep it up.
Truly a blessing! Cat, I amight not a reader, but you truly blessed me and ministered to me!! Please keep writing for yourself and others!! Love you much sweetie
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