Princess is turning 15

Princess is turning 15

My babygirl turns 15 tomorrow. How could she be 15 already? My baby girl, my Princess, my flowerchild, my supermodel is 15. I feel like I just had her. I still remember when she was born she looked like a little doll, so petite with such beautiful skin.

She was the baby that was the survivor, the fighter. Just born and almost instantly suffered from Meconium Aspiration Syndrome she almost took her last breath before she was even 5 minutes old. This is what happens when before, during, or after labor and delivery a newborn inhales (or aspirates) a mixture of meconium and amniotic fluid. She turned blue. My sister was in the delivery room with me. I had a C-Section so I couldn’t see anything past the blue curtain. Sissie’s a nurse so she knew what was going on but she hid her facial expression from me pretty well (She had on sunglasses in the operating room…LOL) Princess could not breathe and in addition to that she had a heart murmur which was caused by a valve in her heart not closing after birth, otherwise known as PDA. It didn’t close until she was about 3 years old. I stayed in the hospital 5 days but she stayed 10. I remember looking at her, she was so tiny in that little clear box with all those tubes coming in and out of her. Her hands and feet were so wrinkled and she looked so helpless. By the 4th day the nurse told me she was a trooper. The doctors took her off of the respirator and she was eating and gaining weight already. With Paige blood in her, she had no other choice but to push. (-:

My Princess…has always liked anything pink, she has always liked shoes, has always liked to giggle and has always been a girly girl, rough but girly. By 2 she was in trouble every 5 minutes but didn’t seem to care about staying away from the heat of the battle like my oldest 2 did. She would just take the L, if she had to. Princess kind of had her own world and her own language…lol Close family members knew Princess-Speak. My oldest two would often have to translate for her. Irritatingly saying "She said....." Like, duh. Can't you understand? LOL This girl was pure comedy mixed with lunacy and many days ended with me sitting and thinking about her, just shaking my head.

I am so proud of the young lady I have. I gave birth to a beautiful, hilarious, smart, adventurous, and unique individual. I'm grateful to God for the growth and maturity Princess has shown in the last year. She takes pride in her schoolwork now, she takes pride in her discipline. She desires to be more and better. She is such a beautiful girl with so much potential. She can be anything she decides to be. Through prayer and all the help from so many blood and non-blood related people in our family she’s finally getting it. She knows that she can be and do whatever she commits to doing. One thing I know it that she can be 45 years with her own children but she will always be her Mommy’s Princess.

Shelley's 16th Birthday

Coming up on the end of my Shellerina's 16th birthday. I'm thanking God for the blessing He formed in my belly all those years ago. I'm enjoying watching such a beautiful, smart, funny, wise young lady grow and bloom. I'm honored to have been given such a duty as to raise and cultivate such an important person.

My baby wants to be the one who helps with children's mental stability (and their parents). That's a huge duty because we know that if only some adults would have been helped with their issues as children then the root of some of their problems would be dug up enough to let them be productive citizens. My future Clinical Child Psychologist. “Yes, my daughter is a doctor.” will be so wonderful for me to say. Just fabulous. (-:

I still remember that perfectly round face and big eyes. You were such a pretty baby. The chunkiest of chunkies....lol No wrists, no knees, no elbows, just creases and dimples. You were such an old lady, so well spoken. You spoke in full clear comprehensible sentences at 1 1/2 years old. You were writing your name, you knew all your colors and shapes and alphabet at 3 years old. You were reading books at 4 years old. You were so small but so smart. I've always been very proud of you. I am very proud of who I see you becoming.

It's been my mission as a mom to know that I've produced children that will grow to be so much better than I am. Both naturally and spiritually. I want you guys to do so much more than I ever could or would do. I want you to be so much more than I have ever been. Stronger, more talented, smarter, more poised, well versed, more cultured. Me to the 10th power. (-: I don't expect perfection but I do expect greatness.

I look forward to seeing the woman that you’ll become because I'm enjoying watching the steps in the progress. I love you ShelleyBelle. Happy Birthday. Thank you for helping me be a great mom.

for Quashwn - on your 18th birthday

Quashwn

on your 18th birthday

July 29, 2009

By Your Mom

As I sit back and think about how big this day is I have so many thoughts.

This is a key birthday on your path to manhood, a key date on your road to greatness. I feel so much pride in who you’re becoming.

I can still remember the day you made me a mommy. 52 hours of labor. They didn’t want to give a minor a C-Section so I endured the contractions with the family coming in shifts until you decided you couldn’t be in there any longer. Your heart rate dropped and Dr. Gandhi said, “Okay let’s get him out of there.”

Your life I held in my hands and at a mere 17 years old and I still didn’t minimize the importance. You fully and completely relied on me for every single thing you could ever need. All your nourishment, even while you grew inside of me. I ate what you needed to sustain your life. I rested to restore myself to carry you for 9 months +2 weeks.

God entrusted your very existence to me. Wow!

God placed and cultivated the little, beautiful, dimpled, mustached, happy, gift in my belly and I named him Quashwn. I said, “I’m going to make the name up because I want my baby to be unique, I want my baby to be different.” You are.

You are also

Leader

Strong

Loving

Kind

Funny

Persistent

Perceptive

Intelligent

The greatest 18 year old young man there is

I love you so much. I’m trying not to punk up and cry. I am proud of who you are and who you are becoming. God has a great work for you to do and I am so glad he let me play a part in it.

~ Yo Mama ~

Catherine E. Paige

I Trust You

I Trust You

Lord...Your will is so high, so wide, so vast and so broad that my mind can’t wrap around it.

Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your ways are higher than mine.

When I sit and think of all I’ve been through, I know that you were there and have been here all along.

You guide and shepherd me in the direction I’m afraid to go in and You reassure me that You are there.

You make me step up to higher standards and tell me You’re there to guide.

You wait for me to call You and I call on others in error but You are still there when I realize.

You’re the One who loved me first.
You’re the One who is always there.
You have never left me nor forsaken me. Ever.
You are ever loving, ever faithful, ever providing and all knowing, I am grateful.

I Trust You Lord.

Today Is My Birthday (You may be sick of hearing about it...lol)

Today is my actual birthday. I’ve already been writing and sharing, but this is the actual bornday. This is one of my happiest birthdays ever, my 35th. Doing more thinking than usual so I figured I’d share. Again…lol

Last night I was pushing out some ideas in Photoshop at about 12:30a, building on one of my dreams and feeling quite great about it. I realized hey, it’s my birthday. I smiled and said thank You Lord my birthday came while I was working a gift You gave me. That made me feel wonderful. After that I got a text from my crazy brother that said Happy Birthday Lil Old Lady. Made me giggle. I love my family. Got in the bed about 1:30a, which is pretty normal for me.

When I opened my eyes this morning I smiled and said thank You Lord for another year and then I started mapping out my day. Laying there I was thinking about what I want to wear...something complimentary and of course purple. The texts and phone calls from my loved ones started. I’m just grinning and grinning. I love LOVE. Got dressed, put a lil sparkle on my eyes, no foundation, put on my wedges. I looked in the mirror and said…so this is what 35 looks like? My lawd, that's goot! I FEEL MARVELOUS. Walked out the door with my sanctified swaggah on 100+, feeling like I could stop traffic. Got in the car and James Fortune & FIYA was singing “I owe all my worship to You. Lord, I don’t deserve all the things that You do.” And my mind went right there. Cut the radio off and just started praising Him.

Lord I thank You for 35 years of life. You wake me up every single day without fail and without getting tired of doing it. 35 years of Your mercy and grace. 35 years of You giving me good health, strength and healing. 35 years of You never leaving me or forsaking me. I am so grateful. 35 years of You waiting for me to get it right. Your mercy is everlasting. You didn’t get tired of waiting for me to love You the way You created me to. I am just so grateful. You've loved me every single solitary day of my life, unconditionally, even when I didn't love myself so much. I am humbled by Your love.

Happy Birthday to me because of Your love, grace and mercy.

My Birthday Reflections - 2009

My Birthday Reflections - 2009

On Tuesday I will be the Big 35. Three and one half decades. I’m trying to figure out why so many women dreaded getting to this age. Is this what middle age feels like??? Or is middle age 40? Whatever it is I’m proud of my age. I feel great. I look pretty good, trying to take better care of my bawdee (body said dramatically), eating better, majorly blessed. I was thinking, as usual, about this thing called life and all it’s many moving pieces.

Thinking about the stories my mom told me about when I was born. During pregnancy she fell. Off to Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital – Camden NJ. She was about 6 ½ months pregnant with me, I decided I wanted out so I made my first appearance. The doctor told her I probably would not make it through the night. I weighed around 4 pounds. I had jaundice, a liver that was too small and many other medical issues. Medical technology was not what it is now. My mom said that the doctor stayed with me all night and she stayed up praying. I was a survivor then and I still am. God's hand was on me.

35 years later…I gave birth to 4 strong healthy children-by cesarean section at that, lived through many trials and hardships, missed meals, lived on food stamps and welfare, served my country, had many many jobs, lost everything in a flood, lived through domestic abuse, and had many metamorphoses. I AM A SURVIVOR, an over-comer, a conqueror; I have continued to exist in spite of the many adversities that have come in my life.

It seems I have had to fight to live ever since my first breath. Nothing has been given to me easily. I’ve been working since I was 14, a mother since I was 17 and it’s been a serious struggle but I finally got it now. After years of trying to succeed through people and things I know that the only success that I’ll have is through the hands of God. I thought it would be the people I connect to or the things I accumulate or income that would prosper me. These are vehicles but God is the source.

Now at 35 I have many friends and a wonderful family. My kids are the funniest, smartest, greatest children in the world. Even though I have so many people around me, I feel like I’m in an isolation phase. It’s not a bad phase. I know it’s preparation and fine tuning. I talk to God more now than before. I know it’s only temporary. I know it’s making me.

So many thoughts I don’t want to get jumbled or rambled. It’s just me admiring my emotional scenery…lol I am at peace. I want to move forward. I know I am destined to succeed. I am a queen, the beloved child of the King. I have generations coming after me that will need the things that I birth out, the strength I instill, the things I will produce.

I am so excited about what God has for me next, in this 35th year because I have grown from faith to trust. I trust Him and life is moving into the realm of where He created me to be. It’s on me and I’m on it....Happy Birthday To Me.

I don’t want to see the faces

I don’t want to see the faces.
That’s kind of a weird way to say it but
I don't want to see people for the superficial.

I come across the paths of different people,
Different walks of life, different shapes and sizes.
Diverse backgrounds, income levels and cultures
But I don’t want to see the faces.

What I mean by that is I want to get to the heart of it all.
It has nothing to do with my immediate desires or wants.
It has nothing to do with surface and immediate flesh responses.
I don’t want to deal with people in relation to any of that.

People deal with others because of so many different reasons
Who they are…
How they met…
What they can offer them…
What they have…
Who they are in a social circle with…
How much money they make…

I don’t want to see the faces.
I want to see people by things much deeper
This means I won’t deal with you differently, regardless of what’s going on
This means I’ll try and cut through to the marrow

Do you see ME?
I try and do good even though I know I fall short sometimes
Do you see me?
Not my face, my height, where I work, what I do
Even though these are all parts of me…Do you really see me?

I’m hiding, from the darts in the eyes
I’m hiding, from the words that are like arrows
I’m hiding, in the comfort of Jesus.
I’m hiding so that only people with the eyes of Christ can really see me

I don’t want to see the faces I want to see the heart.

Ms. Cat – 02/06/2009