Recovery Process

At the end of a deep relationship or long term connection I feel it is important to have a proper emotional closure stage. Sort of like thoroughly cleaning up after a party. The process doesn’t have to be deep or drawn out but acknowledgment and closure is a good thing to have in place. Evaluate what happened – good and bad (do not wallow in or obsess over the past), recalibrate, decide the parameters of your future in that area, etc. – Good, clean, closure. 


Not all relationships end as a loss or cause damage but sometimes they do. Sometimes simply the pain of the end is emotionally excruciating. The amount of time, energy and effort you lose, especially after a bad relationship, can be immeasurable. The "blood, sweat and tears" invested in a truly committed relationship or connection takes time to recover from when it is over. I believe identifying healthy boundaries and emotional structures can make the process of recovering a little easier.


Every person has a different recovery process, the how, what, why and when of it is as different as we are. Some people recover quickly, while others never fully recover. Some people resist taking steps and time to recover, while others run to and through it.


When people are stuck in between the "it's over" and the "something new" stages they sometimes go in what I call ‘denial autopilot’ mode. It's the at the end of an era phase, while you are still numb, still going through the motions, still aching emotionally; that stage where you still can not go to certain places because the memories are so strong...nauseating nostalgia. Everyone should have space, time and support to go through the closure stages in a healthy manner. The key for me is my faith in God and knowing that while I am currently in a recovery process I can and WILL recover ALL that I have lost and then some.

In doing a really quick study on some of the recovery approaches that exist in different arenas I want to model a concept but apply it to the heart element after major loss.

Elements of Recovery for the Heart

1. Hope – Deep, heartfelt hope. Not basic optimism or just a positive outlook but the fundamental belief in a better day coming and that your life will improve.  The pain will go away.


2. Secure Base – That certain place for emotional safety and security where you recuperate or retreat to. This can be a physical place that helps you tap into rebuilding and recovery. If not a physical place then a mental ability to convalesce anywhere.


3. Self-Awareness – This is of utmost importance whether you are in heart recovery or not. Self-awareness takes strength and introspection. It takes consistent acknowledgment of your own actions, moods, thoughts, words. This keeps you cognizant of your whys….why did I just snap like that? Why am I crying? Self-awareness can help keep you from making foolish, regrettable decisions out of emotional pain or lack as well.


4. Support System – This one has amazing healing properties. Having a strong support system of people that KNOW you and have your best interest at heart is imperative.  If you have people in your circle that have wisdom and don't judge you, you are blessed. 


5. Empowerment – Self-determination, confidence, willpower, self-control. In the heart recovery process this will help keep you from returning to the same thing or same type of person you are trying to recover from.


6. Coping Strategies – Find your key survival mechanisms. My recovery and coping formula is: Pray, read, sing, talk, write….and repeat. Identify what helps you deal with stress and pressure. If you need less time alone, plan more outings. Be strategic with your recovery.


7. Meaning – Purpose, sense of meaning, reconciliation to the why. So powerful but often neglected. Seek the meaning, get the lesson, find the principle, gain the wisdom.

Use your optimism and look at the end as a way to grow.  Let the negative experiences make you better, not bitter.  No regrets, just lessons learned.