Heart Be Still…

Heart Be Still…

For me stillness is difficult because my mind runs a mile a minute.  This is part of the reason why I don’t sleep like normal people do.  When I sit still my mind starts racing, reminiscing, analyzing and replaying EVERYTHING.  Sometimes I attribute it to loneliness but the fact of the matter is I have been sleeping alone for many years now.  I know it is much more than that.  At night, in the quietness, when the television is off and I am not reading or re-reading texts (the best texts I read 3-4 times)... when I am not reading email, not on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest or Tumblr I am usually searching my heart and really deeply thinking.  Undistracted.  Reviewing life sometimes helps me unravel deeply rooted principles that I need to either toss or fortify. 

The mental race begins… What could I have done differently?  Should I have done this?  Should I have said that?  Why didn’t I try harder?  Should I bring that up now?  Did I hurt their feelings? Why do I feel like that towards so and so?  On and on and on and on. *like Erykah Badu*

I would think everyone struggles with this sometimes.  When this happens it is not normally regret-laden but just a reconciling of my heart and mind.  I believe this is a part of self-awareness.  When I know that I need to get to the point of stillness I try to push myself through the loudness of my thoughts.  I want to break this heart process into 4 parts… 

Retrospective, Introspective, Stillness, Perspective 

1. Retrospective – Defined as “looking back on, contemplating or directed at the past.”  This gets intimidating sometimes because even though hind sight can be 20/20 remembrance can also be a stretched or yeasted version of the truth.  We are all human.  I have some very vivid memories going back as far as pre-kindergarten but they are usually driven by my own idiosyncratic behaviors.  During this stage I try to remember what actually happened.  I try to take my own personal spin and flavor out.  I try to look at situations in a more neutral, unemotional way.  This point helps me try to see things from other people’s points of view. 
2. Introspective – Defined as “the act of observing or examining one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.”  This one tends to be difficult.  It is when I do a bare bones, naked, undelusional, untainted, deep, critical assessment of my own thoughts, motives, desires…. my heart.  This is when I rebuke myself for dumb choices, when I cry over stupid decisions.  I try to stay at this point without randomly jumping all over the place, no mental domino effect.  I try to recall things and not pollute it with thoughts or blame on others or on any outside driving forces.  Just me.  Yes, that person’s actions may have changed my trajectory but this part is for me to look at my own heart, my response network, my intentions. Raw.
3. Stillness – I feel this is the most important part. Be still.  Calm your heart.  Calm your mind.  Breathe.  Stop thinking.  Let everything steep and prep you for healing.  Sidebar:  Stillness is the part of prayer for so many years I skipped.  I was so focused on knowing and studying the process of prayer, I didn’t want to get it wrong.  Are the proper steps to ask for forgiveness, worship, thank God, then make my requests or does thankfulness come before worship?  Am I expressing this eloquently enough?  Did I worship long enough?  I never got to the part where I shut up and listen for the answer.  I am away from the ritualistic Pomp and Circumstance altogether now but I recognize the importance of the stillness.  For me it is necessary and tough because my thoughts are so very loud. 
4. Perspective – Defined as “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.”  One of the most life changing things David G. Evans has ever said to me is “Experience forms perception.”  Three words that not only helped me adjust my outlook but it helped my heart posture towards my recollections on life.  I realized our experience is what it is, we typically cannot change or avoid some experiences but it is when we give it the power to FORM how we see things in life that is the impact.  We need to glean everything we possibly can from the experiences of this life, but how we let things change our general perspective is paramount.  After the retrospect, introspect and stillness ultimately I have to decide how everything I processed is going to affect my mental filters.  How am I going to let these experiences change how I view life itself?  I believe this is the crossroad point that determines whether a person becomes bitter or better after negative experiences. 

-Catherine Elizabeth

Three Things...

Three Things…

I guess I am more of an extremist than I had previously thought.  It seems as if I am pushed to write when I am extremely happy or after an extreme low.  Today is unfortunately the latter, but in a positive way.  Yesterday I received some devastating news that had me thinking about going to get some hard liquor. I have not had a drink of alcohol since 1997 so you can imagine how tragic that could have gone.  I suffered such an emotional hit that it had me seriously contemplating doing some things simply to make my flesh feel better.  That’s a dangerous heart spot to be in. 

I am very grateful that when I get in those low spots that they do not last long.  Now that I am re-motivated and have an emotional grip on myself, I can share.  I came up with three things that helped me work through this rough spot. 

The three reasons NOT to stay depressed were in the form of my perspectives…
Up, out, and in.

1^st – UP        My Upward Heart-Gaze.  I don’t stay down long because of my faith in God.  I always draw back to that.  That is my center.  I am too chaotic and sinful to solely look to myself for strength.  I am NOT PERFECT but I believe that He is, so I draw from that when I am at my weakest. 

2^nd – OUT     My Outward Cry.  I have some of the most amazing friends on earth.  I called one sisterfriend to whine about my bad news.  She let me cry a bit, she spoke life into the situation and she ended our conversation with heartfelt prayer. Then I shared the bad news with my select few, my Mansion Family.  The reactions were from just straight savage/ready to fight, encouraging my soul with the emotional flowers of reaffirming things about me that I needed to hear at that time, to just feeling the loss with me and telling me they are there for me.  I never felt alone.  I am blessed.

3^rd – IN         My Inward Seeking.  I always talk about self-awareness but I never see how rich and important it really is until I need to tap in to it.  Self-awareness is PARAMOUNT to stability.  I went through these steps introspectively after I received the bad news:

·    I cried

·    I got depressed

·    I got angry

·  I focused on my flesh to try to appease the hurt (almost called someone I should not have to go with me to get that drink)

·   I called and cyber contacted my crew

·   I cried some more

·   I laid down on my bed… literally emotionally “wallowing” in the loss

·   I got up physically and emotionally

·  I read and re-read the sentiments of my friends, thought about my sisterfriend’s words

·   I made my heart still

·   I thought about my kids

·  I thought about my strengths, qualities, worth, strong history and the work I’ve done on my heart and inner-beauty

·   I snapped out of it

I am far too resilient to stay stuck at an impasse that I have endured before with God’s help.  I have been through things that would have made some people cave.  So staying depressed?  Girl, bye!

This queen is made of heart, steel, caramel and glitter.  Being depressed will not permit me to act as such so…. Get that CROWN UP!

Sincerely,

Catherine Elizabeth

Heart Guarding

I have been thinking about the attributes that I would need to be diligent in for me to effectively guard my heart. I was pleasantly surprised that the words I used to come up with when I was younger are no longer in my thought process about guarding my heart. I am proud that through some maturing, my desire to isolate, block, battle, and build a wall is not there anymore. Those things were formerly the most important when guarding my heart. I remember when I was a teen I would mentally build a wall brick by brick around my heart. Here are my bricks in guarding my heart. I will do it:

Prayerfully

Mindfully

Giving-ly

Protectively

Discerningly

Tenderly

Gracefully

Lovingly

When I started to consciously guard my heart I remember it typically being a reactionary measure to being hurt. Because I was more tender-hearted then it was easier, my barrier was much softer, thinner. In retrospect I see that I was a kind hearted child, not perfect but kind, gentle, nice. I specifically remember crying because the mean ghosts didn’t want to play with Casper, heartfelt tears. Why did they treat him so badly? I remember my Aunt Dulu having to help me process through why these kids were being so mean to such a sweet guy. He only wanted to play with them. Now that I am older I see that the tests and trials I endured that came closest to making me quit were the direct attacks on my heart. It seemed like the biggest trials sought to make me bitter-hearted, angry-hearted, hard-hearted. The after effects of these hurts impact not only how I feel internally but how I treat, interact and love the people around me. Thinking about that made it evident to me, for my life, the heart is where it is at.

In my research I gathered some nuggets of wisdom:

Three reasons for guarding your heart:

1. Your heart is extremely valuable. Your heart is the essence of who you are. It is your authentic self—the core of your being. It is where all of your dreams, your desires and your passions live. It is the part of you that connects with God and other people. The value of your heart should be above any tangible thing. We protect valuable things so….Guard your heart.
2. Your heart is the source of everything you do.  Your heart overflows into thoughts, words and actions. Proverbs 4:23 (Expanded Bible - EXB) Be careful what you think [Above all that you guard, protect your heart], because your thoughts run your life [life flows from it]. I believe your heart is the seat or source of your intentions. That pretty much drives EVERYTHING so…. Guard your heart.
3. Your heart is always under attack.  The enemy uses all kinds of weapons to attack our hearts. These attacks can come in the form of circumstances that lead to disappointment, discouragement, pain, heartbreak, breakdown. We have to guard our hearts so that we are not tempted to give up when we are under these attacks, living through these situational changes. We have to be strong enough to continue in love and faith in God so…. Guard your heart.

Our hearts are invaluable, priceless, precious. We cannot serve, we cannot receive or give love, we cannot receive or give of ourselves genuinely and we cannot be sincere except from our hearts. We also cannot be happy or live joyous, victorious lives without our hearts being in the right place. The heart – the core of our intentions – drives what we say, what we really think, and ultimately what we do. That’s EVERYTHING. Of course the enemy should start there if he wants to destroy you so... Guard your heart. 
 

We are to not be swayed away from our purpose when we are faced with situations that cause us to need to guard our hearts. If we fortify our hearts in prayer, genuine love, unselfish acts of kindness (without the need for gain or to be seen) then we will be consciously building our hearts. To consciously guard our hearts we have to be conscious that we are actually doing it.  Guard your heart.

A Heart that Hopes

A Heart that Hopes

This has been an emotionally difficult time for me. Last night was the worst night but lately I have been feeling spiritually heavier than usual. I know that it is mainly because my mind is moving a mile a minute. I have been trying to deepen my introspection, search my intentions, evaluate my thoughts more critically, etc. In the attempt to be more thoughtful I am becoming more observant. I am noticing subtleties, slights, patterns, words… I am emotionally sensitive, not in a whiny bratty way, just perceptive. I know that I am already prone to be empathetic but the feelings that come from others have been more overwhelming than usual because I am processing through my own issues and needs. I have been keeping to myself more and I can say that it is making me more prayerful which is NEVER a bad thing but nevertheless it is still a little rough.

All I can say is thank God for hope.

With life coming at me full speed like a locomotive through all trials, issues, hardships I find that hope is like the brightest of lights at the end of all tunnels. I can honestly say that without faith and hope I would be lost.

Hope basically means a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen or want of something to happen or be the case. There are 144 bible verses with the word hope in them. In my research I found the following extract:

"Hope can sustain one through trials of faith, human tragedies or difficulties that may otherwise seem overwhelming. Hope in Hebrews 6:19 KJV is seen as "an anchor of the soul". Hebrews 6:19-20 in The Message version states: We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us."

WOW!!! To me that means that no matter the situation, no matter how things look or even how they feel, we are to hold tight to our hope in God and never let go. That hope is our "unbreakable spiritual lifeline". This is the most wonderful thing I have read all week.

In my heart, hope is like a constant, persistent whisper. My mind complains but then the hope that resides in my heart whispers: Cat, try again... You can do it... Cat, get up and do better... Don’t give up, you’re getting stronger... God has your back... Trust in God for this... You will make it... There are times when my overactive imagination drowns out the whispers and they are just a humming sound in the undercurrent, but that hope is always present.

My hope is persistent, not because of me but because of God. My faith is in God’s omnipotence and in knowing that His power can overcome anything. My hope isn’t riding on my ability or my knowledge or my power, but in God’s. I am so glad that I do not have to rely solely on myself because I am an utter mess. My hope is built on the foundation of God’s track record. He has never failed nor forsaken me. I believe that a heart that hopes in God cannot be destroyed.

Hit the Reset Button

Hit the Reset Button

I have great memories of working in IT. I was the only on-hand technical support person for a major insurance agency in 1999. We were preparing for a very terrifying Y2K. If anyone remembers the utter and complete chaos that surrounded computers during that time, then you understand the continuous movement and pressure of my duties. It was actually one of the best corporate time periods for me because of the daily and aggressive learning. It was very challenging and very rewarding. The end user solutions were normally small or easy for me but HUGE to the person having the problem. I always seemed like a magician when in all actuality I only pushed the cord into the monitor tighter or replaced the surge protector. I was always grateful for being rewarded with lunch or a thank you card but it was not rocket science.

I can tell you what I remember most. Whenever someone called me about their computer malfunctioning one of my first questions was always "Have you rebooted your system?" or "When was the last time you reset your system?" What is even more interesting, simply resetting the computer solved the majority of the problems that they were calling me about. People would call me near an emotional breakdown but by end of the call they would be thanking me profusely, merely because I told them to reboot. That was amazing to me.

I read the origin of the terms reset and reboot. There are some interesting facts in the history of both terms. There are also so many versions, explanations, types. I had no idea because it is common enough of a term for me to not have been concerned with a specific definition. The term reboot actually came from a phrase having to do with bootstraps. I thought it had to do with kick-starting. Here is an excerpt that I found pretty cool:

"Tall boots may have a tab, loop or handle at the top known as a bootstrap, allowing one to use fingers or a boot hook tool to help pulling the boots on. The saying "to pull oneself up by one's bootstraps" was already in use during the 19th century as an example of an impossible task. The idiom dates at least to 1834. It appeared in a comment on metaphysical philosophy: "The attempt of the mind to analyze itself [is] an effort analogous (similar) to one who would lift himself by his own bootstraps." Bootstrap as a metaphor, meaning to better oneself by one's own unaided efforts. This metaphor spawned additional metaphors for a series of self-sustaining processes that proceed without external help."

Interesting. So the origin of the term comes from a physical process that turned into a metaphor that spawned into a universal term for computers, phones, game consoles, etc. Rebooting essentially starts an automatic, not externally aided process of steps that refresh a system. It refreshes, it clears, it restarts. "You will lose all unsaved data." is a warning that pops up on most screens. Losing all of the data in my heart system that I deem useless could help me to hold to what actually matters and be able to, keep it moving, forgive and move on without keeping the weight of the heart malware.

While I feel like I am constantly hitting a reset button of some sort in my life. it’s more of a testament to where my life and mind are. Honestly sometimes I wish parts of my heart had a reset button. I would be like …Oh no, that hurt, Ctrl + Alt + Delete. I would scream out, "DO OVER!", hit the reset button and it would delete the unnecessary stuff, the hurtful things. I realized, these painful things that I sometimes wish that I didn’t have to endure actually make me stronger, but more importantly they help me appreciate the good things, the sweet things, the small blessings. The reset button clears out the clutter and helps me choose to save what’s needed and let the other things drop off.

My main reset button is prayer. The other day it was warm sunshine and my Robert Glasper CD playing. My reset button can be anything, rest, singing, listening to calming music or talking to one of my wise sisterfriends. Your reset button is what makes you feel refreshed, encouraged and able to move forward. My birthday is going to be a big ginormous reset button. I do not have concrete plans yet but I am consciously going to reset and refresh physically and emotionally. So when you feel overwhelmed or like things in your internal life system are misfiring, hit your reset button.

Transitions

Transitions

I realized some time ago that I am a creature of habit.  I can drive the exact same route everyday without growing bored of it as long as I know it’s a good way.  I like predicting my basic outcomes, it equates to foundational stability to me.  I can drink the very same thing every single day without fail and not grow weary of it.  Lime Perrier or Pellegrino with lime.  Morning blend coffee, one Splenda, 3 French Vanilla creamers.  Bengal Spice tea with honey.  Not many surprises.  I watch the same things on television, In the Heat of the Night, The Closer, Golden Girls, Cupcake Wars, Scandal, etc.  I am pretty predictable, boring to some people but I’m okay with it.  

Let me be clear though:  I AM NOT this way with food or dessert.  I am so very adventurous; I am the epitome of a chef and food enthusiast.  As a matter of fact, that’s a part of why I went to culinary school.  The utter excitement of tasting something new, whether at a restaurant or making it causes pure elation for me.

One thing for certain is that life is filled with change and transition.  Constant, seemingly non-stop life changes.  Normal things like:

• Birth to childhood to adolescence to adulthood to advanced aging. 
• School attendance to career maintenance to retirement. 
• Living the single life to blending married life to being widowed. 
• Being childless to being a parent to being an adviser of adult(s). 

Why is transitioning sometimes looked at as a negative occurrence?  If life is filled with constant transitions, why are people resistant to modifications and not more fluid about them?  I looked at my own rigidity and realized that change can be hard, especially for people that appreciate comfort.  Changes can be all consuming.  For instance, divorce changes just about everything, life patterns, normalities, thought processes. What helped me do better in this major change was realize that transition does not have to equate to instability.  Even growth and beautiful changes (think about the butterfly transformation) can come with discomfort but they are often celebrated and glorious. 

In corporate environments, transition management sometimes has departments dedicated to controlling change.  These departments are usually put in place to lessen the negative effects of major changes and to help in the flow of implementing company transformations with minimal effects to the bottom line.  That division's primary concern is helping to evolve a company and it’s people while preserving a stable corporate image.  Programs are put in place to preserve employee morale and focus on employee retention and engagement.  There is so much thought and effort put into transitioning that I wondered why we don’t do that with our own lives?

That led me to wonder… What would emotional transition management consist of in our personal lives?  Seems extravagant on the scale of a corporation but for people that hold stability at a high importance level, it might be a great thing to ponder.  While information gathering I came up with some dot points.

Checkpoints of transition:

1. Determine the need for change, or react to an impactful occurrence that is causing the transition – This is not always automatic.  When we are comfortable we often ignore the signs of needing change.
2. Prepare & plan for the transition – Set the parameters, envision the outcomes and imagine the possibilities. Map out the potential best and worst case scenarios... keep a vision board.
3. Implement the transition – Put the movement into ACTION.  Plans without implementation are simply dreams. 
4. Sustain the transition – Watch the after effects.  Re-calibrate if necessary.  Undo what you need to.

Right now, in my current state of life change, I am thinking about transitions in a more critical and in depth way.  None of this is comfortable, but my vision of how it will be in the end is amazing and that is what helps in keeping me focused and moving forward.

Stability

Stability

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." (James 1:8-KJV)

I hold stability and security at a high priority level in my heart. It is of utmost importance emotionally, in my career life, in my home life, with my children. Even now with transitioning in to being single again I still need stability and safety, maybe even more so. Am I perfect at it? Nope, not at all, but I look for ways to be better at it. I honestly love being consistent with people and being dealt with consistently, there is a comfort in it. I like giving clarity on how I feel and I like knowing what I am dealing with.

I have been looking at the roots and causes of why it is so important to me and it has been kind of cool examining it. I am a firm believer in evaluating and reevaluating normal thought processes. I realized a ton of things from my childhood that I had held as factual ended up being myths, urban legends and straight up lies so I tend to examine the basis of my beliefs, especially long-standing ones. I am looking at some of the driving dynamics from my childhood and current situations that give me fortification in my stance.

I used to wish I could be more inconsistent, I know that sounds crazy but I wanted to be more flippant with people. I used to want to mirror people’s dependability levels towards me. I finally got to a place where I evaluated the benefit of me being this way, without regard to whether someone returned the sentiment and I realized that it is a gift to be a dependable.  I love knowing that people can count on me and I am striving to be much better in this area, full speed ahead. 


To keep from hardening my heart when others don't respond I had to do one thing…. I had to eliminate my need for others to reciprocate. I did not decide to be a doormat or pushover; I know how to distance myself from people that do not value me. I decided to give simply because I want to and give what I would want in return, without conditions. I did not realize I was doing that. I would give love and attention as long as I felt it was coming back at an acceptable rate. I am not saying that if someone does not seem to want or desire my brand of friendship that I will not taper off, I’m not a stalker but it simply means I will give what is in my heart to give. Period, point blank.

Even though it often leaves me feeling lopsided because some people are not reciprocal, I do not see it as a flaw or something that I need to change. I know the strength in loyalty, focus, stability and commitment. I am honored to be anything like an anchor or stabilizing factor for anyone. Most of all, I realize that my reward for anything that I do with a clean heart is not in the person returning the virtue but in God seeing my heart. God is my Rewarder.

-Catherine Elizabeth