I’m here again, emotionally. Doing some self-evaluation as the year is ending. I am thinking not only of 2008 but of 2004 – 2008.
I refer to certain years in my life as pivotal as well as some specific occurrences but so that I won’t start rambling or going on a tangent, I’ll stick to the pivotal-ness of 2004 - 2008. (-:
As I look at what has transpired these past four years, I see that emotionally I’ve gone through multiple metamorphoses. A few of them were so subtle and smooth that if I hadn’t looked at everything I may have missed them. A couple of them were tumultuous enough to make me change my whole perspective for a while, if not permanently. Thank God they weren’t all permanent changes.
Bishop said that “Experience forms perception” and I have found that to be so very true, time and time again. My experience formulated my perception of myself and others. Not all good changes but definitely not all bad. My painful experiences tried to shape my perception of everything, kind of like looking through warped eye glasses. That’s not acceptable. It’s jacked up and alters how you deal with people. Like taking levels of purity out of your heart.
My perception on how I’ve handled the past four years seems to be all over the place. I have a very torn reflection on how I’ve dealt with everything. I can’t share it all but I can give a lil bit.
Newly single in 2004 I found myself in a place where I never imagined I’d be when I walked down that aisle. My heart was split between being blessed to have been able to survive such a horrible ordeal, being apprehensive about single-life and not only that but a single parenting, and harboring a lulling bitterness. My heart was never designed to be that way. Very scattered, spread very thinly.
Long story short (shoot me a note if you want the long story long…lol) I had to get to the root of the bitterness and start cutting before I could grow. It was a lot like the pruning process. I looked up the definition of pruning and it read:
I refer to certain years in my life as pivotal as well as some specific occurrences but so that I won’t start rambling or going on a tangent, I’ll stick to the pivotal-ness of 2004 - 2008. (-:
As I look at what has transpired these past four years, I see that emotionally I’ve gone through multiple metamorphoses. A few of them were so subtle and smooth that if I hadn’t looked at everything I may have missed them. A couple of them were tumultuous enough to make me change my whole perspective for a while, if not permanently. Thank God they weren’t all permanent changes.
Bishop said that “Experience forms perception” and I have found that to be so very true, time and time again. My experience formulated my perception of myself and others. Not all good changes but definitely not all bad. My painful experiences tried to shape my perception of everything, kind of like looking through warped eye glasses. That’s not acceptable. It’s jacked up and alters how you deal with people. Like taking levels of purity out of your heart.
My perception on how I’ve handled the past four years seems to be all over the place. I have a very torn reflection on how I’ve dealt with everything. I can’t share it all but I can give a lil bit.
Newly single in 2004 I found myself in a place where I never imagined I’d be when I walked down that aisle. My heart was split between being blessed to have been able to survive such a horrible ordeal, being apprehensive about single-life and not only that but a single parenting, and harboring a lulling bitterness. My heart was never designed to be that way. Very scattered, spread very thinly.
Long story short (shoot me a note if you want the long story long…lol) I had to get to the root of the bitterness and start cutting before I could grow. It was a lot like the pruning process. I looked up the definition of pruning and it read:
To cut off or remove dead or living parts or branches of a tree to improve shape or growth. Pruning is the process of removing certain above-ground elements from a tree; this process usually involves removal of diseased, non-productive, or otherwise
unwanted portions from the tree.
The reason this was so fitting was because we are to be like a tree planted by the water (but that’s not where I’m going right now, I’m trying to stay focused because the whole pruning topic is quite interesting). What rang loudly to me were the words diseased and non-productive.
What I realized is amazing but makes so much common sense that I feel ‘slow’ for missing it. Some of the things I did to try and stop or ease the pain of what I had gone through actually perpetuated the pain and delayed my healing. Even some of the stuff that was seemingly minor was causing hindrances to my growth. Things I ‘dressed up’ as acceptable. I know for a fact that if you put lipstick and cocktail dress on a chimpanzee it doesn’t make it a beauty queen.
What I realized is amazing but makes so much common sense that I feel ‘slow’ for missing it. Some of the things I did to try and stop or ease the pain of what I had gone through actually perpetuated the pain and delayed my healing. Even some of the stuff that was seemingly minor was causing hindrances to my growth. Things I ‘dressed up’ as acceptable. I know for a fact that if you put lipstick and cocktail dress on a chimpanzee it doesn’t make it a beauty queen.
So standing here (well not really, I’m kind of propped up on my bed but that’s not the point) looking back on 2008 – 2004 I want to be sure to effectively prune off those things that would stop me from being who God wants me to be in 2009.
In my year closing self assessment I found that I needed to forgive not only those that have hurt me but most of all MYSELF. I was stopping myself from moving forward by not forgiving myself for my own mistakes. WOW. So busy forgiving others I didn’t forgive myself (Bishop also preached on this).
My self unforgiveness was so deep, but fine that I almost missed it. I would have hindered myself another year. Uhn uhn, unacceptable. I really almost missed it. That slight unforgiveness caused me to subliminally short change myself. That is not God’s will. It also made me ultra sensitive. I can’t be an emotionally driven person in this walk, my emotions would have me all over the place. Kind of like I was in 2008 – 2004, all over the place. But no more…
I am closing this 2008 chapter starting now. It doesn’t have to be on December 31st. I’m doing it now. It is 2009…the Year of Manifestation.
