Cat's 2008 Closure

I’m here again, emotionally. Doing some self-evaluation as the year is ending. I am thinking not only of 2008 but of 2004 – 2008.

I refer to certain years in my life as pivotal as well as some specific occurrences but so that I won’t start rambling or going on a tangent, I’ll stick to the pivotal-ness of 2004 - 2008. (-:

As I look at what has transpired these past four years, I see that emotionally I’ve gone through multiple metamorphoses. A few of them were so subtle and smooth that if I hadn’t looked at everything I may have missed them. A couple of them were tumultuous enough to make me change my whole perspective for a while, if not permanently. Thank God they weren’t all permanent changes.

Bishop said that “Experience forms perception” and I have found that to be so very true, time and time again. My experience formulated my perception of myself and others. Not all good changes but definitely not all bad. My painful experiences tried to shape my perception of everything, kind of like looking through warped eye glasses. That’s not acceptable. It’s jacked up and alters how you deal with people. Like taking levels of purity out of your heart.

My perception on how I’ve handled the past four years seems to be all over the place. I have a very torn reflection on how I’ve dealt with everything. I can’t share it all but I can give a lil bit.

Newly single in 2004 I found myself in a place where I never imagined I’d be when I walked down that aisle. My heart was split between being blessed to have been able to survive such a horrible ordeal, being apprehensive about single-life and not only that but a single parenting, and harboring a lulling bitterness. My heart was never designed to be that way. Very scattered, spread very thinly.

Long story short (shoot me a note if you want the long story long…lol) I had to get to the root of the bitterness and start cutting before I could grow. It was a lot like the pruning process. I looked up the definition of pruning and it read:

To cut off or remove dead or living parts or branches of a tree to improve shape or growth. Pruning is the process of removing certain above-ground elements from a tree; this process usually involves removal of diseased, non-productive, or otherwise
unwanted portions from the tree.

The reason this was so fitting was because we are to be like a tree planted by the water (but that’s not where I’m going right now, I’m trying to stay focused because the whole pruning topic is quite interesting). What rang loudly to me were the words diseased and non-productive.

What I realized is amazing but makes so much common sense that I feel ‘slow’ for missing it. Some of the things I did to try and stop or ease the pain of what I had gone through actually perpetuated the pain and delayed my healing. Even some of the stuff that was seemingly minor was causing hindrances to my growth. Things I ‘dressed up’ as acceptable. I know for a fact that if you put lipstick and cocktail dress on a chimpanzee it doesn’t make it a beauty queen.

So standing here (well not really, I’m kind of propped up on my bed but that’s not the point) looking back on 2008 – 2004 I want to be sure to effectively prune off those things that would stop me from being who God wants me to be in 2009.

In my year closing self assessment I found that I needed to forgive not only those that have hurt me but most of all MYSELF. I was stopping myself from moving forward by not forgiving myself for my own mistakes. WOW. So busy forgiving others I didn’t forgive myself (Bishop also preached on this).

My self unforgiveness was so deep, but fine that I almost missed it. I would have hindered myself another year. Uhn uhn, unacceptable. I really almost missed it. That slight unforgiveness caused me to subliminally short change myself. That is not God’s will. It also made me ultra sensitive. I can’t be an emotionally driven person in this walk, my emotions would have me all over the place. Kind of like I was in 2008 – 2004, all over the place. But no more…

I am closing this 2008 chapter starting now. It doesn’t have to be on December 31st. I’m doing it now. It is 2009…the Year of Manifestation.

Periodic Emotional Housekeeping

My Periodic Emotional Housekeeping

Emotional housekeeping, to me, is very different from spiritual upkeep. I do emotional and social maintenance less frequently than spiritual, although sometimes the spiritual prompts the others.

Sometimes situations can force the upkeep cycle. I usually do one when someone hurts my feelings, when I am feeling extra sensitive or when something occurs that makes me push someone out of my inner circle (which I am very good for). One thing I do know is that we are directly and spiritually connected to those we choose to have close to us. I am not judgmental but I have to be selective because if I am open to you, more than likely my children are exposed to you in some way. Exposure equates to impact, in my opinion. I guess this is why I very seldom have a 'BFF' and I definitely don't date very long pointlessly...lol

Emotional housekeeping is very introspective. Reflectively, I think about the decisions I have made, the thoughts I have had, the things I have said, my interactions with my loved ones, the people I have met, and the feelings I have had.

Sometimes I feel some remorse for things I may have said or done. These things are not necessarily a sin but maybe I didn't say something at the right time or it just wasn't expedient.

I think about my past and what transpired to get me where I am. I reflect on the people that I may have hurt or have hurt me. I think about my actions as a parent, nuturer and sole provider and even my deeds as a family member. Sometimes the thinking will prompt me to say something to someone, apologize to someone, hug someone, make a call or send a text. At any rate, it is always progress in my heart and mind.

At this point I am evaluating the present.

I am looking at things I may be doing that have no real benefit. Even things that are monetarily beneficial are not always emotionally advantageous. The club promoting was one. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm celibate and although I know I have sparkling personality (chuckle), the environment causes conflict between my flesh (it is a whole mess already) and my spirit man. I can use those social butterfly skills in ways that are better suited to where I want to go in this life.

I feel I am almost ready for a relationship so I need to move slow and watch people and most of all watch myself and my decisions. Anyone I connect to in that way may ultimately impact the lives of my offspring. Being divorced makes that more than clear and oh so very real to me. It's not fun.

I'm looking at who I am connected to. I am looking at why I am cool with some people and not others. I am looking at who I may have been interested in romantically that didn't work out. I am also looking at the friends I may have cut off. I am trying to figure out if I may have been too hasty or not hasty enough with my ties lol There's always a thin line.

One huge thing I have noticed about myself is that I have an uncanny knack for trying to ascertain the reasons behind someone's character traits and habits. People usually are who they are because of things that have happened to them. Just like experience formulates perception, it can also formulate habits and personality attributions. I know that my marriage forced that gift to come forth and shine brightly. For that I am grateful, I will put it to good use.

This gift of sensitivity and insight has its pros and cons. Sometimes it makes me way too empathetic and it keeps me connected to people long after the ties should have been laid to rest. I stayed in my marriage for too long because of it. I constantly tried to rationalize why this man was yelling and angry. I always thought about his childhood and had sympathy on him instead of thinking about my own emotional preservation. I was molested as a child, I too was neglected, I worked through layers and layers of extreme low self-esteem, where was my empathy, who understood me? The church mothers would tell me, you find your comfort in Jesus, which is the only truth they said. They would tell me being a minister's wife is a hard job, it's your duty to build up your husband. Sometimes it's selfless. It's all a part of being married. Balderdash and bull spit. Who was there for me? It sure wasn't him.

When I found all I had was Jesus, I found He was all I needed.

My current deep friendships are few. I feel heart connections with some people and those are absolutely undeniable. There are just some automatic bonds that are hard to articulate. I don't always like those because I don't readily understand them. Actually sometimes they piss me off because they make it more difficult to cut people off like I like to do.

It bewilders me how a lot of people really don't know how to interact with a person that doesn't play games. I think people are so programmed to deal with people with ulterior motives and deceptive/malicious hearts that they really don't know how to take someone that seeks to be genuine, understood clearly, and sincere, not wanting anything but their friendship. Even in church. This bothers me though. It makes it extra hard for me to be understood. I usually have to go through crappy extremes in gaining understanding. People don't give the benefit of the doubt nowadays.

In some friendships I know I am taken for granted. Unfortunately the connections cause me to pray for people even though I don't really want to. My mind tells me, "They ain't steadin' you. Why you wasting time praying for people that ain't worried bout you? Why you sendin text messages to someone that ain't replyin. Forgit dem." Yes, I speak slang and broken English to myself LOL Then I always end up praying anyhow, reaching out to them or sending an encouraging email. I do believe every one of my prayers are heard and answered, whether I see it firsthand or not. If they are really a friend, they respond with thanks or a little frustration at my persistence but gratefulness in me not dismissing them. Stuff like that. I end up smiling.

My head is starting to hurt now though....too much thinking.

Is It Only That You Need To Change Your Perspective?

Is It Only That You Need To Change Your Perspective?

Sometimes we go through monumental things in our lives and we count them as total losses because we don't look at the broader view.

I am blessed to be able to look at the brighter side of things and being able to get something out of SOME uncomfortable situations. That is a blessing and a curse often because my first response would be to be pityful, but that's just my punk behind...lol

I was chatting with a friend of mines about our US Military experiences (some of y'all know I went straight from High School to Navy Boot Camp) My retrospect was one of a positive nature. His is one of total loss.

My view is positive, not because it was a 'good' experience but because I learned from it and I gained some things from it. I endured a huge amount of prejudicy against me being a woman AND being black. A double whammy on a Navy Ship. I was almost court martialled for insubordination because the dude did not like the fact that I knew he was prejudiced. I got stories on that but that's not the point.

What I am saying is that in spite of the negative things, my view is positive because I gained from it. I gained discipline, I got a GI Bill and went to Culinary school, and I have the military on my resume which has gotten my foot in almost every corporate door I've applied to. That's my perspective.
Even though the experience wasn't comfortable or pleasant my choice was to change my perspective so that I may glean and gain from it instead of accepting it as a loss. Sometimes we just need to change our perspective because we cannot change the past.

Well Well Well

Just a parking place for some of my thoughts and poems.

This should be fun.