Sometimes it is at rapid fire speed, other times fleeting. Sometimes super annoying, other times epiphanic.
- What did I accomplish this year?
- How is my health?
- How do I look? Am I looking plump in the midsection?
- How am I emotionally? What are my intentions like?
- Did I love on people right?
One thing consistent is that I am very hard on myself. I am my own worst critic. Oftentimes I have to pull back and say to myself: Yo.... are you looking at that correctly?
In my younger years I always envisioned my life at 45 very very different. For some reason I pictured a grayer haired, thicker, older acting, old feeling, married, baking, church mother style Grandmom. Not much went exactly how I expected. I feel younger and more refreshed and more content than I’ve ever felt, so much calmer and more grounded.
Soooooo much of what I thought made me who I was, has changed. In the past few years I have been evolving in major ways. My core thought processes, normalities, tolerances, perception of religion, home life, view of singleness, parenthood.... ALL DIFFERENT. One thing I noticed is that the way that I view myself is different. Not better or worse just very different. I think some of my belief structures were blocking me from seeing myself correctly, realistically. My view wasn’t distorted but more like having on sunglasses. That’s a whole different cyber-conversation.
I am constantly analyzing stuff so when I get too hard on my shortcomings and failings, or too heavy in thought about what I should have done, it starts to make me depressed and uneasy. Sometimes it prompts me to apologize about something, change something but I almost always say to myself... are you looking at that right?
Some times we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts, needs, losses and failures that we miss the beauty of our lives. We get so busy calculating what we don’t have that we forget that there are millions of people that would give anything to have our set of problems.
So when I start complaining about my thick middle or dress size I switch to thinking about the fact that although this year has had difficulties, I haven’t missed any meals. How dare I not be grateful? When I start complaining about my job, I switch to being grateful that I’m not fighting to simply get minimum wage.
Life will always have challenges and obstacles but I’m choosing to be grateful for those too. I’m choosing happiness by changing my outlook on my life, good and bad.
I want to be reflective and introspective.... correctly. - Catherine Elizabeth
