Emotional housekeeping, to me, is very different from spiritual upkeep. I do emotional and social maintenance less frequently than spiritual, although sometimes the spiritual prompts the others.
Sometimes situations can force the upkeep cycle. I usually do one when someone hurts my feelings, when I am feeling extra sensitive or when something occurs that makes me push someone out of my inner circle (which I am very good for). One thing I do know is that we are directly and spiritually connected to those we choose to have close to us. I am not judgmental but I have to be selective because if I am open to you, more than likely my children are exposed to you in some way. Exposure equates to impact, in my opinion. I guess this is why I very seldom have a 'BFF' and I definitely don't date very long pointlessly...lol
Emotional housekeeping is very introspective. Reflectively, I think about the decisions I have made, the thoughts I have had, the things I have said, my interactions with my loved ones, the people I have met, and the feelings I have had.
Sometimes I feel some remorse for things I may have said or done. These things are not necessarily a sin but maybe I didn't say something at the right time or it just wasn't expedient.
I think about my past and what transpired to get me where I am. I reflect on the people that I may have hurt or have hurt me. I think about my actions as a parent, nuturer and sole provider and even my deeds as a family member. Sometimes the thinking will prompt me to say something to someone, apologize to someone, hug someone, make a call or send a text. At any rate, it is always progress in my heart and mind.
At this point I am evaluating the present.
I am looking at things I may be doing that have no real benefit. Even things that are monetarily beneficial are not always emotionally advantageous. The club promoting was one. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm celibate and although I know I have sparkling personality (chuckle), the environment causes conflict between my flesh (it is a whole mess already) and my spirit man. I can use those social butterfly skills in ways that are better suited to where I want to go in this life.
I feel I am almost ready for a relationship so I need to move slow and watch people and most of all watch myself and my decisions. Anyone I connect to in that way may ultimately impact the lives of my offspring. Being divorced makes that more than clear and oh so very real to me. It's not fun.
I'm looking at who I am connected to. I am looking at why I am cool with some people and not others. I am looking at who I may have been interested in romantically that didn't work out. I am also looking at the friends I may have cut off. I am trying to figure out if I may have been too hasty or not hasty enough with my ties lol There's always a thin line.
One huge thing I have noticed about myself is that I have an uncanny knack for trying to ascertain the reasons behind someone's character traits and habits. People usually are who they are because of things that have happened to them. Just like experience formulates perception, it can also formulate habits and personality attributions. I know that my marriage forced that gift to come forth and shine brightly. For that I am grateful, I will put it to good use.
This gift of sensitivity and insight has its pros and cons. Sometimes it makes me way too empathetic and it keeps me connected to people long after the ties should have been laid to rest. I stayed in my marriage for too long because of it. I constantly tried to rationalize why this man was yelling and angry. I always thought about his childhood and had sympathy on him instead of thinking about my own emotional preservation. I was molested as a child, I too was neglected, I worked through layers and layers of extreme low self-esteem, where was my empathy, who understood me? The church mothers would tell me, you find your comfort in Jesus, which is the only truth they said. They would tell me being a minister's wife is a hard job, it's your duty to build up your husband. Sometimes it's selfless. It's all a part of being married. Balderdash and bull spit. Who was there for me? It sure wasn't him.
When I found all I had was Jesus, I found He was all I needed.
My current deep friendships are few. I feel heart connections with some people and those are absolutely undeniable. There are just some automatic bonds that are hard to articulate. I don't always like those because I don't readily understand them. Actually sometimes they piss me off because they make it more difficult to cut people off like I like to do.
It bewilders me how a lot of people really don't know how to interact with a person that doesn't play games. I think people are so programmed to deal with people with ulterior motives and deceptive/malicious hearts that they really don't know how to take someone that seeks to be genuine, understood clearly, and sincere, not wanting anything but their friendship. Even in church. This bothers me though. It makes it extra hard for me to be understood. I usually have to go through crappy extremes in gaining understanding. People don't give the benefit of the doubt nowadays.
In some friendships I know I am taken for granted. Unfortunately the connections cause me to pray for people even though I don't really want to. My mind tells me, "They ain't steadin' you. Why you wasting time praying for people that ain't worried bout you? Why you sendin text messages to someone that ain't replyin. Forgit dem." Yes, I speak slang and broken English to myself LOL Then I always end up praying anyhow, reaching out to them or sending an encouraging email. I do believe every one of my prayers are heard and answered, whether I see it firsthand or not. If they are really a friend, they respond with thanks or a little frustration at my persistence but gratefulness in me not dismissing them. Stuff like that. I end up smiling.
My head is starting to hurt now though....too much thinking.
