Heart – Under Construction

Heart – Under Construction

You change your life by changing your heart. – Max Lucado

The heart is a pretty complicated thing. For some years now I have been enthusiastically studying the heart and tying physical attributes to spiritual effects in regards to heart dispositions. I have been looking into heart and brain interactions, how our hearts affect the people around us and considering the intentions of the heart’s impact on real life occurrences. There is no doubt in my mind whether it is all connected. Our hearts drive and move so much but we often overlook the importance. 

Proverbs 4:23 says: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. I believe this scripture always rings true. Even seemingly small things are driven by both conscious and sub-conscious heart stances. I feel it is imperative to constantly build/rebuild, check, cultivate our hearts but even more so after occurrences often considered heartbreaking. 

Initially I was going to call this "Heart - Closed for Construction" but after thinking through the process I realized that a heart that is closed is not beneficial to anyone, even during difficult and painful times. I feel that if my heart is closed while additional hurt cannot get in, neither can any healing or genuine love. If I close my heart I cannot be my true self, I cannot give anything from it and I know that my strength is in giving, from my heart, to those around me. So closed is not an option, just under construction.

I watched a Bishop T.D. Jakes’ sermon titled "My Heart Attacks" and it spoke to me so loudly that I will forever be grateful for its impact. He talks in great detail about people that live from the heart and how we often have to go through the healing process because we open our hearts all the time. It is an automatic response to interaction, especially with people we love. Open, but vulnerable, sometimes bleeding heart. Because the people we deal with are human, everyone has the potential to hurt us, intentionally and unintentionally.  Everyone, not only the selfish and/or manipulative people but anyone we open ourselves to. So what can I do to guard my heart and not do a disservice to the people that need me by closing it? How do I keep my heart protected without locking people out?

I started to think about the construction site I was the Office Manager on in 1995. On a construction site only certain areas would be closed off at certain times, those were the times when it was too dangerous to let people roam around. WOW! The danger zones. The project site had many areas, different phases of work, some areas sectioned off, under-cover, being worked on by hand selected qualified and credentialed workers. Intense work going on in some areas, other areas have mild cosmetic work going on. Making the parallels I see that my heart has some serious hard hat areas going on right now.  I resigned from being overly emotionally about the fact that construction is necessary so that I can logically section off the danger zones and keep people away from them while I prayerfully work on them.

My heart is a construction site right now, God is the General Contractor. We are surveying the entire area, testing things, looking at the natural resources to see what is strong enough to remain.  We are putting together the scope of work, kicking untrustworthy people off the project site. This is so awesome. The adage says "we are a work in progress" but this has opened it up for me.

My focus and my strongest, most empowering thoughts are of the completed work. The blueprint and sculpture of my new, healed, vibrant, loving and thriving heart is glorious! I am so excited about getting to the finished product. So like on a project site I want to be able to identify and keep all the functioning points active while working diligently. I realize that the functioning and open for business parts of my heart are best when I am:

1. Active – pouring out of my self and into others, activated in my gifts and purpose.
2. Giving of myself – Words and deeds, encouraging, praying for my loved ones.
3. Expressing genuine love – not for response or reply, just giving it, no motives.
4. Creating – Working my gifts, writing, cooking, sewing, whatever.
5. Listening to beautiful music
6. Reading – Imagination roaming free
7. Laughing

So while I am working hard, especially when alone and retrospective, I am focused on the beauty of my healed heart with no more yellow construction tape. Just a big, purple, mushy, syrupy sweet heart, giving genuine, unconditional love, sowing the right words and deeds at the most appropriate time, in tune with God and God’s perfect will. *happy sigh* The pain of this construction process will not overwhelm me, I will just stay on task and get ‘er done!　

The Power in Letting Go...

The Power in Letting Go

“We attain freedom as we let go of whatever does not reflect our magnificence. A bird cannot fly high or far with a stone tied to its back. But release the impediment, and we are free to soar to unprecedented heights.” – Alan Cohen

This quote ‘gave me life’ the other day when I came across it.  So many times we hold on to people, places and things that keep us bogged down, because of history, some type of guilt, sometimes feelings of obligation.  We stay tied to them even if they keep us emotionally and spiritually tethered to weight that makes us unable to soar.  They may not mean any harm, it does not have to be intentional but being tied to things that stunt your growth and limit your drive should be evaluated and potentially severed or made to commit to improvement that enriches your life as well as theirs. I am finding now that once you get around people that make you excited about life, the ones that tap into your mental depth, you can never go back to being comfortable with the people do not.  It is difficult, if not impossible to go back to people that demotivate you, that consume you, the devourers of energy.  

I remember years ago saying to a family member that we should be in relationships with people that make us feel like we can do anything we put our minds to do, relationships that strengthen and push.  Our relationships should make us feel like we have wings.  Not just the Eros relationships, not just the male/female interactions, not just sexual relationships.
 
As I thought about the feeling of existence soaring that I described and previous relationships that I have had that it happened in, I realized how powerful that thought process is.  When you are around the right people they have a tendency to motivate you, whether subtly or outright, by words and deeds.  These people help you be aware of yourself, not just in pretty and flowery things but in corrective measures too.  The same thing exists on the flip side.  You can do so much damage connecting to people that make you feel defeated and depleted that if you don't get a hold of their influence their statements will become you.

I call this the emotional albatross.  There is an old adage that says, “an albatross around one's neck” which basically means there is something that you have done or are connected with that keeps causing you problems and stops you from being successful.  Another break down says:  something that one is associated with that keeps one from succeeding in what they want to achieve.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”  ―Ann Landers

In my studying I came across tons of writings focusing on steps to letting go that it made me think: Wow, this must be a universal problem.  I started to think about hurdles and hindrances to letting go and there are numerous reasons both valid and invalid.  I want to give a shot at naming some steps that I gathered that are helping me.  

     1.       Acknowledgement, acceptance and admitting –

Sometimes the biggest deterrent to letting go is recognizing that letting go is the thing that is needed.  This can be tough.  It is a heart shift, a perception movement and can be life changing.  Instead of looking at this as a negative thing try to look at the beauty in it. Every major change that we make is an opportunity for us to live the lives that we are intended to live. 

Look at where you are; acknowledge the effects that the thing or person has caused that stopped you from living an abundant life, accept the real hard facts and admit that letting go is a need.  Take responsibility for your contributing factors.  Own what you did or did not do to cause or prevent anything that happened.

2.       Distance yourself for a while –

Take a few steps away physically and emotionally.  Try to get some clarity into what you are dealing with.  Sometimes we are so close to the situation that we cannot see it clearly.  Often times we are so emotionally charged that our decision making process is impaired. Step Back!

     3.       DO NOT glorify or romanticize the past –

This one is important.  Have you ever talked to someone and out of loneliness or lack they recall situations and people better than you know they were?  Sometimes people cling to the good parts of a situation and dismiss the bad parts.  They tend to do the “at least they weren’t…” and not remember that it was horrible.  Do not do this.  Yes, most situations have positive pieces to it but that does not mean it should be revisited or relived. 

     4.       Visualize your great future ahead –

This can be powerful.  Do not focus on your losses or what you will negatively need to process through, instead focus on the greater that is coming to you.  Focus on the positivity and joy that you will find and that will find you.  Focus on new friendships and rekindled healthy ones.  Think about the wonderful endless possibilities coming in to your life.  Let your heart smile about the completion of your healing.  Daily imagine a better you and the improved life ahead of you. 

     5.       Focus on prayer and centering yourself –

This should have been first because I feel it is most important.  Prayer and intimacy with God has a healing and cleansing quality that cannot be done with any other person. My faith in God, through some of the craziest times in my life, is what keeps me sane and centered.  My friendships and support system are amazing but my connection with God and faith in Him is everything. 

     6.       Change what you need to change –

You cannot change everything but know that change is necessary.  There is no need for guilt, a long drawn out process or an overly emotional production.  Change starts in the heart and mind.  Change the people, places and things that you need to, for your sanity.  It doesn’t matter what it is, if it makes you dwell on the past that you are trying to heal from, then you need to let it go.  It could be a toothbrush or a carpet in the living room.  Change it.  Easier said than done? Of course it is.  It is evident that you like that pizza because you’ve gone there every Friday for 7 years but there really are millions of other pizza shops in the world.  You may need to find another normal.

     7.       Call on your support system –

Go sit with a friend or family member, vent, get something to eat, go to the movies.  Welcomed distractions are important.  If you are discussing the situation make sure it is with trusted people and not the only thing you talk about, it should not overwhelm.  Talk to people that strengthen and encourage you but also make you see clearly.  Talk to the ones that you know will be honest and not only coddle you.  Even if you don’t want to talk about the situation specifically be around people that support you, for you. 

     8.       Be thankful –

Remember, you have things to be grateful for.  You are breathing and alive.  You are reading this so I can give you something to be thankful for:  The U.S. Department of Education and the National Institute of Literacy states that 32 million adults in the United States cannot read. That is 14 percent of the US population that is illiterate. Seek out things to be grateful for and… be grateful.
 
My opinion in this is...let yourself feel but don't let it overtake you.  Actually process your feelings, don’t just go through the motions.  Whether it is anger, hurt, joy…feel it and examine it.  Deeply and introspectively look at the big picture, the emotions, the effects, the good and the bad.

In the end ask yourself: Does this attachment bring peace?  Does this relationship assist in my overall betterment?  Does this connection build or take away from my stability?  Does this relationship consume more than it adds? 

If the bad outweighs the good and the negativity is engulfing your peace or wellbeing then decisions need to be made that only you can make.  The process of letting go is going to take ownership, focus, introspect, change, risk, and work.  But I pray that the more you let go of what is harming you, the stronger you will get.  There is power in letting go.

Recovery Process

At the end of a deep relationship or long term connection I feel it is important to have a proper emotional closure stage. Sort of like thoroughly cleaning up after a party. The process doesn’t have to be deep or drawn out but acknowledgment and closure is a good thing to have in place. Evaluate what happened – good and bad (do not wallow in or obsess over the past), recalibrate, decide the parameters of your future in that area, etc. – Good, clean, closure. 


Not all relationships end as a loss or cause damage but sometimes they do. Sometimes simply the pain of the end is emotionally excruciating. The amount of time, energy and effort you lose, especially after a bad relationship, can be immeasurable. The "blood, sweat and tears" invested in a truly committed relationship or connection takes time to recover from when it is over. I believe identifying healthy boundaries and emotional structures can make the process of recovering a little easier.


Every person has a different recovery process, the how, what, why and when of it is as different as we are. Some people recover quickly, while others never fully recover. Some people resist taking steps and time to recover, while others run to and through it.


When people are stuck in between the "it's over" and the "something new" stages they sometimes go in what I call ‘denial autopilot’ mode. It's the at the end of an era phase, while you are still numb, still going through the motions, still aching emotionally; that stage where you still can not go to certain places because the memories are so strong...nauseating nostalgia. Everyone should have space, time and support to go through the closure stages in a healthy manner. The key for me is my faith in God and knowing that while I am currently in a recovery process I can and WILL recover ALL that I have lost and then some.

In doing a really quick study on some of the recovery approaches that exist in different arenas I want to model a concept but apply it to the heart element after major loss.

Elements of Recovery for the Heart

1. Hope – Deep, heartfelt hope. Not basic optimism or just a positive outlook but the fundamental belief in a better day coming and that your life will improve.  The pain will go away.


2. Secure Base – That certain place for emotional safety and security where you recuperate or retreat to. This can be a physical place that helps you tap into rebuilding and recovery. If not a physical place then a mental ability to convalesce anywhere.


3. Self-Awareness – This is of utmost importance whether you are in heart recovery or not. Self-awareness takes strength and introspection. It takes consistent acknowledgment of your own actions, moods, thoughts, words. This keeps you cognizant of your whys….why did I just snap like that? Why am I crying? Self-awareness can help keep you from making foolish, regrettable decisions out of emotional pain or lack as well.


4. Support System – This one has amazing healing properties. Having a strong support system of people that KNOW you and have your best interest at heart is imperative.  If you have people in your circle that have wisdom and don't judge you, you are blessed. 


5. Empowerment – Self-determination, confidence, willpower, self-control. In the heart recovery process this will help keep you from returning to the same thing or same type of person you are trying to recover from.


6. Coping Strategies – Find your key survival mechanisms. My recovery and coping formula is: Pray, read, sing, talk, write….and repeat. Identify what helps you deal with stress and pressure. If you need less time alone, plan more outings. Be strategic with your recovery.


7. Meaning – Purpose, sense of meaning, reconciliation to the why. So powerful but often neglected. Seek the meaning, get the lesson, find the principle, gain the wisdom.

Use your optimism and look at the end as a way to grow.  Let the negative experiences make you better, not bitter.  No regrets, just lessons learned. 

Back To The Center

I am finally getting back to the center.  I am emotionally rebuilding, getting back to being chiefly mindful of the core of my purpose and existence, back to balance. 

Center meaning:

a)   the middle of something; midway between sides

b)   to come to a focus; converge; concentrate

c)   a point, area, person, or thing that is most important or pivotal in relation to an indicated activity, interest, or condition

I often talk about the need to have balance and to be centered to stay afloat, to thrive.  When I talk about that balance I am thinking of a holistic view of life… work, mind, body, family… anything that concerns you, anything in your universe.  My center balance comes from finding a peaceful heart space while spending time with God.  So after discussing this with a close friend about this topic I identified that my intimacy with God is my center anchor. It is what bring me back in alignment, it keeps me from going off the deep end. 

Staying in the center means not to sway too far in any direction.  Going too far in any direction will always mean needing to recover… positive or negative.  Have you ever met someone so positive they were utterly delusional and imbalanced? Or someone so perpetually negative that they suck the energy out of the room with their very existence, words, deeds, facial expressions, spirit?  I believe there is a center channel to life that is a key to consistent happiness. Staying centered does not mean to be lukewarm, apathetic or to lack intensity in any way.  It doesn’t mean there won’t be any trials or problems either.  It is more about being focused on your desire to be stable, steady, sound…centered. 

I use phrases like centered between strength and weakness or between submission and control. I spoke to my son recently about trying to find his center between confidence and humility.  Often we get so focused on accomplishing and pushing that we forget to balance it with rest and play, anything imbalanced has the potential to be lopsided… look for the center.   

  

Children being raised need appropriate balances of softness and sternness, understanding and discipline, encouragement and correction, so my logic says that the strength is in the center.  I think the concept of centering and balance is often overlooked and that omission causes a disproportion that is at the root of lots of dysfunction, disconnect, and disparities.      

For me right now staying centered means to gracefully endure change and pain, to remain strong and protect myself from letting outside forces harden my heart.  Sometimes we take paths and make choices that throw us out of sync with the center of our purpose.  While we may have had the purest of intentions concerning the situations we find ourselves in, we need to find the meaning in the negative or painful experiences and with God’s help try to find the center of it.  We don’t experience things in life for naught, glean from it all and then correct anything that knocked you off track.  

So…. during this time of rebuilding I am choosing to use everything that has happened as a catalyst for me to reach heights unforeseen.  This last chapter had the potential to do some serious permanent damage but it did not and will not... it gave me more strength for the journey, it built parts of my character.  I am not done yet.  I am working on finding my center.