Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

This declaration does not lack humility.  It is not vanity.  It is not puffed up.  It does not mean that I will not apologize for being wrong.  It does not mean that I will not constantly examine my points of view for errors.  Self-inventory and becoming unapologetic about being myself has been hard work.  I call it introspective self-discovery.   It’s weird though, the real work was in being comfortable with being me… no masks, owning my flaws, brokenness, beauty, strength, quirks, qualities, shortcomings and talents…. All mine to own. 

I remember being around 30 when I realized…. I am Cat and I am pretty darn awesome, flaws and all.  Sometimes I feel like some of my epiphanies are things that other people were taught in kindergarten…   I‘m 43 years old and I still have to go through these realizations, like periodically looking in the mirror.  I recognized that the timing of me doing a deeper, introspective, uncomfortable self-inventory came in response to dealing with very hurtful people.  I am sure I will explore that at some point as well but I do not want to talk about the spiritual vantage point in regards to the assassins sent to kill or impair my self awareness.  That could literally take all day and many turns.

This is just a declarative self-inventory post looking to encourage others to do the same.

I had to change the people around me.  I had to consciously choose to separate myself from people that constantly looked to pick at my wounds.  I had to spiritually and naturally divorce people that were constantly hurtfully critical, simply for the sake of doing it.  

Watch out for people that want you to be beholding to them for being someone who constantly calls out your flaws.  Watch out for people that want credit for your overall growth as a person.  There should be balance in your consistent interactions. Give and take... criticism and praise.  If people bring you all criticism, you have to examine why.  Be very leery of people that seem to only criticize you and do not seem introspective themselves.

In the end, I got worn-out from apologizing for who I am.  I got tired of feeling constantly self-conscious about my idiosyncrasies.  I got tired of explaining myself ten times over about my intentions or thought process only for it to be dissected and thrown up frivolously. I got tired of needing to shrink for them to shine.  To me this type of living is cowardice.  Any willingness to be less than myself is unacceptable.
Breaking away at heart depth was harder to do than I thought it would be.  Even when they were gone I had to stop rehearsing their words in my mind.  The problem with that was initially I thought these people meant me goodness and growth, so it seemed like constructive criticism.  You have to examine the spirit that criticism is done in.  I am not someone who wants to be apathetic about fixing myself or someone who wants to blame others, quite the opposite.  I cannot be SuperCat without actively becoming better, stronger, faster, wiser.

I am this big ball of happy lovey dovey mushy energy, grinning with my big pink gums.  Sometimes I am too syrupy.  Sometimes I laugh too loudly.  I am super silly when I am sleepy.  I am grumpy when I am hungry.  I cannot watch some things on TV or movies because I am moved too deeply.  I cry.  I sing a lot.  I giggle often.  I am philosophical and sometimes make deep statements, sometimes over analyzing basic things. I am hyper sensitive.  I am empathetic.  I am a Queen.  I will not apologize for any of this. – Catherine Elizabeth

Personal Evolution

Personal Evolution

Life is interesting.  Oftentimes I come across something that I wrote years ago and do a retrospective / introspective review.  I think about where I was at the time, physically, mentally, economically, emotionally.  I think about who I interacted with closely, who I may have been involved with romantically.  I think about where I was, how I lived at the time.  I take an overall look at WHO I was.  Sometimes this is fun, other times painful.  I have gone through so many stages in life that I can only see it as an evolution.  

I identified some of my stages as platforms to actual change, not just phases or levels.  Some of these touchpoints were catalysts to major shifts in full thought processes.  For instance, I can remember when I realized how different I was.  That realization changed my posture in being different.  It was in Hatch Middle School, Ms. Betts’ Spanish class, 7^th Grade.  I recognized that I was not only physically different, but the way that I thought was atypical.  I did not respond to things the way everyone else did.  Initially I thought that I was just a weirdo, sometimes punkish, soft, and sensitive but I realized years later that it was my heart that made me that way.  

Instead of running from my weirdness, I decided to migrate to it.  I never wanted to be like anyone else so I started to do things to purposely set myself apart.  I wore mismatched socks.  If I found out someone wore the same perfume, I stopped wearing it (I still do this).  In High school, I parted my hair straight down the middle and dyed one side blond, the other side jet black.  I was unique, odd, sometimes weird, but always me.  I did not do what the world wanted me to do, conform; I embraced being uncommon and went down my own path.  Acknowledging that I have my own path also helped me to respect the path of others without competing but that is a different blog post altogether.

I am certain that my stubbornness played a great part in my finding my own lane.  I never really cared what everyone else wanted or liked.  I always got excited if I found that someone had a commonality but I never swayed from what I liked.  I see now, that was an admirable quality for a teenager.  It always took a lot to get me to change my view on something.  I am still like this; it is a blessing and curse.  It doesn’t matter if anyone else on earth likes it, if I like it… I like it, end of story.  This is another reason why I love weird and abstract people.  They do not care what everyone else is doing or what other people think.  I am always interested in anomalous thought process.

Here are some takeaways I gathered in taking the scenic route through my own personal evolution:

1.    Celebrate your evolution.  Clap for your own growth.  No one knows what it takes every day to be you.  Rejoice in the beauty of being who you are.  Give yourself a cookie for those internal, self-driven accomplishments and realizations.

2.    Take time to evaluate your stages and changes.  Our experiences and our responses to them make us who we are.  Being retrospective is one of the greatest tools in my life box.  I like to look deeper at what made me do things so that I can avoid or gravitate to what I need to in the future.  Am I great at it?  Not yet, but I will be.  J

3.    Never let people dictate your stages.  Once you let other people control your stages, you make them your god.  Every single person needs to walk out his or her own life steps.  No one can live for me and I cannot live for anyone else so why would I let someone else direct my journey? 

4.    Do not discount your phases.  Do not go through your levels begrudgingly, embrace them, take what you need from them, eat the fish and spit out the bone. 

Go through life present and alert so that you can get the tools you need to be who you need to be and contribute what you need to. Don't expect perfection from yourself or anyone else.  We are all evolving.  – Catherine Elizabeth