Unapologetically Me

Unapologetically Me

This declaration does not lack humility.  It is not vanity.  It is not puffed up.  It does not mean that I will not apologize for being wrong.  It does not mean that I will not constantly examine my points of view for errors.  Self-inventory and becoming unapologetic about being myself has been hard work.  I call it introspective self-discovery.   It’s weird though, the real work was in being comfortable with being me… no masks, owning my flaws, brokenness, beauty, strength, quirks, qualities, shortcomings and talents…. All mine to own. 

I remember being around 30 when I realized…. I am Cat and I am pretty darn awesome, flaws and all.  Sometimes I feel like some of my epiphanies are things that other people were taught in kindergarten…   I‘m 43 years old and I still have to go through these realizations, like periodically looking in the mirror.  I recognized that the timing of me doing a deeper, introspective, uncomfortable self-inventory came in response to dealing with very hurtful people.  I am sure I will explore that at some point as well but I do not want to talk about the spiritual vantage point in regards to the assassins sent to kill or impair my self awareness.  That could literally take all day and many turns.

This is just a declarative self-inventory post looking to encourage others to do the same.

I had to change the people around me.  I had to consciously choose to separate myself from people that constantly looked to pick at my wounds.  I had to spiritually and naturally divorce people that were constantly hurtfully critical, simply for the sake of doing it.  

Watch out for people that want you to be beholding to them for being someone who constantly calls out your flaws.  Watch out for people that want credit for your overall growth as a person.  There should be balance in your consistent interactions. Give and take... criticism and praise.  If people bring you all criticism, you have to examine why.  Be very leery of people that seem to only criticize you and do not seem introspective themselves.

In the end, I got worn-out from apologizing for who I am.  I got tired of feeling constantly self-conscious about my idiosyncrasies.  I got tired of explaining myself ten times over about my intentions or thought process only for it to be dissected and thrown up frivolously. I got tired of needing to shrink for them to shine.  To me this type of living is cowardice.  Any willingness to be less than myself is unacceptable.
Breaking away at heart depth was harder to do than I thought it would be.  Even when they were gone I had to stop rehearsing their words in my mind.  The problem with that was initially I thought these people meant me goodness and growth, so it seemed like constructive criticism.  You have to examine the spirit that criticism is done in.  I am not someone who wants to be apathetic about fixing myself or someone who wants to blame others, quite the opposite.  I cannot be SuperCat without actively becoming better, stronger, faster, wiser.

I am this big ball of happy lovey dovey mushy energy, grinning with my big pink gums.  Sometimes I am too syrupy.  Sometimes I laugh too loudly.  I am super silly when I am sleepy.  I am grumpy when I am hungry.  I cannot watch some things on TV or movies because I am moved too deeply.  I cry.  I sing a lot.  I giggle often.  I am philosophical and sometimes make deep statements, sometimes over analyzing basic things. I am hyper sensitive.  I am empathetic.  I am a Queen.  I will not apologize for any of this. – Catherine Elizabeth