When I think of home… (written 10/21/22)

I’m in the process of buying a home. I’m 48 and this is the first time that I’m purchasing.  My main and overall feeling is GRATEFULNESS. In talking to a friend of mine, he told me that buying a home while we are so close to 50 is pointless and a waste because we will be 80 by the time it’s paid off. After respecting and understanding what he was saying I decided: 1) That is his truth, not mine. 2) In 30 years I’m going to be 80 anyway. Why not be an 80 year old homeowner? *shrug*

I have to say though, this has been one of the most stressful situations I’ve ever been in. Nerve wracking.  Emotional.  Papers. Papers.  Papers.  Waiting. 

In all my thoughts about home and what it means to me I actually took such an odd pivot. While interacting with a lifelong friend of mine I went into introspection to figure out what I was feeling after talking to him because I don’t like internal ambiguity.  I talked to my cousin Adia about it and I realized that what it was… he felt like home. That kinda scared me so I needed to unravel it. What about him felt like home? It is the freedom to be accepted solely as myself? No hurdles or pretenses. Not having to over explain. He always made me feel seen AND he always made me feel beautiful. Then the lightbulb moment was in why it bothered me…   

I don’t like feeling like home is something that I seek externally.

In previous years I had been seeking and searching for home to be somewhere, elsewhere.  The reality is…  I am truly always home because I am the home. I know that may be weird but let me explain.  I tell my kids that home for them is wherever I am. Because it is. There is ALWAYS love for them with me, there is always encouragement, a shelter of safety, rest from the masks of adulthood, sustenance for their body and soul … wherever I am… period. Never because of an address or ownership but because my heart is a home for them. 

As I venture into the core of home, home ownership and what that means to me I will continue to make sure my heart aligns as much as possible. It’s more about understanding than change or resolve.